تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (72) - Hiding.

We all wear so many masks. We wear them to fit a role: a mother, sister, wife, good worker. We wear them to protect us in social situations: good girl, bad girl, tough girl, sweet girl.

For so many of us, we hide ourselves because we are afraid of the truth of who we are will not be acceptable or not good enough. That if others, even those who we "think" we trust with our love, were to see who we really are, they would turn from us, that we will be seen not as angles, but monsters.  The self-doubt questions start seeping in: Am I good enough? We are all afraid of making ourselves vulnerable, and we forget that the very thing we are protecting ourselves from could be the source of our greatest strength. 

Of course, there are, a lot of varying factors that contribute to not feeling good enough. But if we recognize and pay attention to the source of our self-doubt, there’s a greater likelihood that we’ll be conscious of it and able to work through it once it starts to creep in. Two of the biggest proponents of low self-worth require a little more self-reflection: constant comparison of ourselves to other women and the insane amount of pressure we put on ourselves to do, be, and have it all.

However, it is also normal to seek validation that you are good enough from external sources the same as internal. I personally find it hard to accept that I was raised to constantly deny that gaining some validation from external sources is bad. I mean everyone wants to be liked or found attractive – that’s a normal human quality. If you never care about anyone else’s opinions, you may be a sociopath. Oh yes! It is natural to seek some approval from people you have long-established connections with such as parents, close friends, or your significant other.

  

Writing this post is a bit funny. I am personally so busy hiding from others that I hadn't realize that the real person I am hiding from is me. I am denying myself my greatest champion. I am so scared to not measure up to the ridiculousness of my internal standards, pressure and external expectations, scared that if I tried and failed, I would hate me before anyone else.

I am still a work in progress and I still catch myself trying to hide so others won’t notice me, will not judge me, but I am getting stronger. I am better at acknowledging that there is only one me and she’s kinda fun. If I can’t accept myself, my vulnerabilities, and see myself as great, how can I expect anyone else to see that? It is the same trap so many of us fall, and will keep falling into. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (71) - Younger siblings.

So in our family, things pass down by to us by our younger siblings. :)

Our younger siblings grow up. Novel, I know. But seriously, this picture is a epitome of how we view our younger siblings as “young”, just because we are so many years ahead of them. We tend to forget that they - themselves - have turned into a older ones too, maturer, wiser ones, beautiful hearted and forget to treat them as such. We forget to count the lessons we learn from them before the ones we teach them.

I think part of whomever I am or become will always owe it to my younger siblings. Being the eldest child I feel I was more likely to take on the role of being the maturer one out if all of your siblings (which is something I failed myself and everyone else miserably). I feel like I had to grow up faster than my other siblings just because I am the oldest. However and whilst I grow older by years, it is for my younger siblings how I keep my gratitude more genuine, my soul even younger and my heart tenderer and kinder everyday, and they keep passing down lifetime lessons to me, like too many other things .. and shoes! :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (70) - القراءة (3).

Hmmm. Well, I still like فرتيجو much more. While the storyline may sound very similar, I could relate to the details of فرتيجو realistically. The corruption, the poor, middle and rich class dilemma, and everything I love and hate about Egypt. The never ending love-hate relationship. Good book though! :)

I have been recently attempting to return back to my reading habits, and I must admit I can no longer read difficult Arabic language books. It saddens me to say that, since I used to be a heavy reader back in the old days. But reading, research, writing and debating is what I now do for a living - lawyering all day long. When it comes to my spare time, I no longer have the effort, energy, mind nor time to spend reading another book written by someone who can't reach the general audience. Many times I want to read and learn about a certain topic, and all I can find is another sophisticated book. How frustrating. I wish some writers just stop being too sophisticated. It won't get you more readers, nor will it make you look more intelligent. Wallah. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying that writers are to use poor language as 'Walid Dida's' (if we call it a language -_-). I mean YUKKKK! But we are not also the same people as they used to be during صحابة era with strong linguistic skills. And as shallow and sad as it may sound, I believe that as long as an author can't simplify their idea and speak a language that can reach the public, and many people can read, understand and value it, it is - and won't be - a good book!