I read this article about how does a daughter forgive her mother for not protecting her. It is interesting how I could relate to some of its details. It does not have to be the mother we are talking about. It could be anyone including those very close ones you once trusted but failed to be there when you needed them the most. The article gave me hope. Forgiving someone for not being there is hard. I never knew how and when I could move on and forgive others and myself until I decided days ago to do so. I'd be lying if I said I moved on, but at least I am trying. As they always say: “Believe you can and you are half way there.” :)
How can I be angry with those close ones? A question I failed to answer precisely. They argue that they did not do me any harm. I must admit, They are right, but still they were not there either. They were the circle of trust. They were supposed to love, embrace and protect me back then. Maybe inaction doesn't have to be motivated by malice, but sometimes by someone's own paralyzing fear -- their survival instinct. The more I am angry with people, the more I realize I have a lot to change about myself.
When I shared my upset with a close friend, she said, “I hope you can forgive them one day,” as if forgiveness was an imperative, a measure of my inner goodness. But as I struggled with unbracing anxiety and sometimes depression, I wondered, what did it mean to forgive? Who was forgiveness for? :) I thought for years but I could not put my hands on the root of it. It is hard. As the years passed, I simply learnt to take everyone individually, as a different story. Unique yet familiar combination of experiences and circumstances. Forgiving those close ones doesn't mean I don't feel upset that they failed me. I am and will forever will. It just means I have put down the impossible task of trying to make them go back to the past to save me. It means forgiving myself before anyone else. :)
For me, forgiveness means finding compassion for the little girl I was back then, the one who grew up struggling to figure out her destiny. Forgiveness means separating myself from the unhealthy parts of those close ones that took root inside me, including the fear I, for a long time, let drive my own adult decisions. By not forgiving them, I believe I will remain forever a child; blocking my own chance to grow up and continuing to see myself as a victim. Even worse, I keep my negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive while they continue to live their lives normally. Forgiveness means bearing witness to the moments I saw those close ones turn away, how it felt to be utterly helpless, and how, as the years progressed, I, too, began to turn away, exactly like them, to focus my gaze out the side window, to emotionally leave my life.
For me, forgiveness means finding compassion for the little girl I was back then, the one who grew up struggling to figure out her destiny. Forgiveness means separating myself from the unhealthy parts of those close ones that took root inside me, including the fear I, for a long time, let drive my own adult decisions. By not forgiving them, I believe I will remain forever a child; blocking my own chance to grow up and continuing to see myself as a victim. Even worse, I keep my negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive while they continue to live their lives normally. Forgiveness means bearing witness to the moments I saw those close ones turn away, how it felt to be utterly helpless, and how, as the years progressed, I, too, began to turn away, exactly like them, to focus my gaze out the side window, to emotionally leave my life.
Forgiveness was a decision to stop suffering, to put down a burden that didn't serve me. When I faced and accepted the truth of the past, only then could I see that I had survived the horror. Only then could I feel my uncensored anger and disappointment and sorrow, and the close ones denial and anger-- along with their love, and their regret. Only then did I see the whole picture. Only then could I reclaim my power and look to the road ahead.
It really is true: “Freedom is what we do with what’s been done to us.” It is not the circumstances of our lives that matter. It is what we choose to do with them. Yes, some journeys take you farther from where you come from, but closer to where you belong.
*Note: I finished writing while listening to my very favorite song 'Let It Go.'.. I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve! :)
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| Photo credit: Layla Mosleh |
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