تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (44) - Friendships.

I am overwhelmed. I promise to reply to everyone who were sincere and kind to wish me a lovely birthday. :)

A quarter of century on planet earth feels like a milestone to question many things in life, and those who remembered me with those nice wishes - and even memories - made that day kinder and more memorable. Lovely how many of the ones who took the time to post on my wall, message me, or even call me, are ones I may no longer be in touch with occasionally as we were used to. Yet they took the time to 'write something,' 'be kind,' and simply 'remember!' :)

I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is when someone openly tells you how much you mean to them, and sharing the most cherished moments with you. Stuff like that are so rare. I still believe in them more than anything. I get disappointed most of the time. But few ones (not precisely close) never failed to revive my faith in humanity. Yes, distance or time does not necessarily kill friendships - rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof! That being said, we have to remember that it was never a matter of distance nor sharing the same family name, but a matter of kind loving hearts and trustful understanding souls, is what make a friendship even closer and sweeter.

The worst part about it is that missing someone as rare as these - and to whom you are recently no longer on speaking terms with - is when something amazing happens to you or you want to share this funny situation or happy news with them and you know it won't be the same when you share it with somebody else. So you hold it in right there until the situation is no longer funny and the happy news seems ordinary.

Well, maybe we can forget people and say we erased them from our lives as much as we want, but the truth is we will never stop cherishing and missing them being around. May these lovely friends remain sincere, thoughtful, loving and kind as they have always been. الحمدُ لله علي نعمة الناس الطيبة اللي حوالينا ومعرفتها بتهون وبتخلي علي الكوكب البائس دة ما يستحق الحياة له. :)

#تخاريف #25_عاماً_مضي_دون_أثر_يُذكَر #الله_غالِب #عن_عُمره_فيما_أفناه دُمتم معروفين بالخير و متجمعين علي خير و في الخير و دوماً بخير. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (43) - The benefit of the doubt.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” - Henry James

I was thinking about a recent nice decision I made. All I can think of is that I changed my mind because I decided to give myself and someone the chance of the "benefit of the doubt." :)

What is "the benefit of the doubt"? It is an interesting saying; simply the act of giving someone the benefit of believing good - rather than the bad - about someone and what they say, and taking their word because you, yourself, have some doubt about what happened.

This concept is important when it comes to our relationships with others. We often forget that this concept is an inseparable part of our Islamic teachings. When speaking to others about a person, or hearing a person discussed by others, we must always seek to give the benefit of the doubt, and not jump to assumptions. Just as you will always have a good excuse and justification when it comes to your own actions and inadequacies, apply the same generosity when it comes to others. In the world of law, people remain innocent until proven guilty. Shouldn't that also be the case with our loved ones? :) We can challenge these thoughts and prove how talented and ingenious we can be in inventing excuses for others - by seeing how well we do it for ourselves.

Every day we see and hear a lot of misinterpretations and assumptions which lead to judgments and gossips but we rarely see confrontations. I wonder why?!! It is easy to jump to making assumptions, but we should be careful and not be hasty in judging a situation or an individual from what seems to be the apparent. Therefore, it is essential that we assume the best of others and give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them to explain themselves to clear any doubts we may have.

One of the great early Muslims scholars, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” Why 70 excuses? This is because the default assumption about all humans and their actions is that they are sound and free of error. This is considered our operating certainty. After this, if we find something that makes us doubt about them, we are not permitted to leave this operating certainty that they did not err for mere doubts or misgivings. The doubts and misgivings about others that are sinful are those that do not have a sound basis that would be sufficient to leave our operating assumption about others that they are upright and their actions free of error.

Powerful things can happen when you give someone the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes we feel we lack either the tools of patience to judge others favorably. As a matter of fact, more often than not we feel there could not possibly be any excuse or justification for a certain behavior.

The real test is whether you are going to trust what someone else says about a person, or your gut feelings and give that person the benefit of the doubt? In a world where it can be easy even for bright people to judge others, we should train ourselves to be patient and generous and avoid hastiness in judging others. And whenever you feel confused or anxious, then pay attention. Because it could be that the anxiety is something that you need to address within yourself in the first place.

So the next time you hear someone talking about a person, or you meet a person, be kind by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Some lessons you learn once, and they last a lifetime. When we are misjudged, that's when we begin to really appreciate the value of judging others favorably. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (42) - Our Hearts.

Our lives are a product of our thoughts, what we think about all day becomes the basis of our lives. I strongly believe in the power of one's soul, heart and conscious. The heart understands the messages the mind cannot decipher. Sometimes, we only need to follow the wisdom of the heart if we wish to find happiness. The mind sees so little on its own, only when works in harmony with the heart, can it see truly what lays ahead. Our minds often overlook the simple answer, thinking that only a complicated solution will solve our problem. But if we simply cannot put our whole hearts into something, we must take ourselves from the situation and find something we can love.

The problem is, it is not as simple as it may sound. Unless we heal the root of a problem and allow our hearts to love, the pain, numbness and anger will not go. Our minds will keep driving us to do things that our hearts do not embrace. We can hide from the problem, but it stays until we dig deep. We cannot be healed while we hold on to pain. Until we face reality as it is, we will forever live in a world of illusion, a world bereft of understanding and meaning. We must turn our backs again and again, on the old thoughts and true problems that hold us back, for to gain true understanding, we must rid ourselves of these problems. Only then may we see the light of progress and our hearts is free to embrace love again. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (41) - عن الأمل.

وكُل ما أقول مفيش أمل و لا راحة في الكوكب دة، تيجي علامة من ربنا تقولي إن الراحة النفسية في إن أفعالنا تتوافق مع فطرتنا .. و إن الأمل في الإيمان و اليقين و حُسن الظن بيه، وإن أنا اللّي روحي ضعيفة هشّة لسة مش عارفة تلم شتاتها ! :)

علي رأي بنت كاتبة، أكتر حاجة مواسيانى شخصياً في اللّي بيحصل دة كُله مع إنه موجع بشكل غريب، إحساسي المُتزايد بأننا بقينا عيلة كبيرة .. عيلة بجد .. اى مصيبة بتصيب حد بتبقى مصاب الكل حتى لو ميعرفوش الحد دة بعينه. .. بتعرف اللّي قريب منك و هوّ مش من دمك بس همّه و قلبه عليك .. و بتعرف اللّي من دمك بس مُش همه و مش فارق معاه لوّ حصل إيه .. 'وَلا تُعْجِبْكَ أَمْوالُهُمْ وَأَوْلادُهُمْ إِنَّما يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ أَنْ يُعَذِّبَهُمْ بِها فِي الدُّنْيا وَتَزْهَقَ أَنْفُسُهُمْ وَهُمْ كافِرُونَ' .. مُش كُل حاجة تِبهرك .. و الكويس بالنسبة ليهُم مش هوّ الكويس بالنسبة لينا .. و الفضفضة و الراحة مبتفعش مع أي حد. :)

أيام فاتتنا و نفسنا نجربها مرة تانية .. الضمير في " أننا " يعود على مين تحديداً؟ لاء ملهاش حد. :) رحم العلم و الانسانية و الحق و مكارم الأخلاق بتساع اى حد يخش فيها .. و تكبر العيلة و تكبر .. و كُل مصيبة تيجى على قد ما بتوجع على قد ما بتقرب العيلة الكبيرة من بعض و تكبرها اكتر .. عيلة اساسها رحم واحد رغم الفروق الشخصية بين أفراد العيلة .. و الفرحة تعُم برحمتة ربنا علينا كُلنا بعد دة كُله .. :)

المُهم .. السواد دة علامة مبشرة  ..سُنة الله لا تتغير  .. يجعل بعد العُسر يسراً .. ربنا اللى بيقول عن نفسه 'يريد الله بكم اليسر.' :) مصدقينه؟ ربنا اللى بيربينا بلطف و حنان و كرم .. ودود بينا كُلنا  .. لنعلم أن وعد الله حق .. نُقطة .. المُهم الواحد يعرف هوّ فين من دة كُله .. بُص علي قلبك .. راجع نفسك .. شوف إنت فين من كُل دة .. شوف إنت فين و مين فيهُم عند ربنا ..و أهم مَرحلة لينا فيّ حَياتك هيّ مَرحلِة الخُروج من المَتاهة .. العالم اللّي جواك نضفه أول بأول .. وخليك فاكر ان نهايتك علي حسب اللّي جوّا قلبك .. فيا بخت اللّي الدنيا في إيده مش في قلبه. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (40) - البيوت أسرار.

البيوت أسرار و مقفولة علي ناسها .. كُل واحد فينا بيبقي شايف التاني مفيش عنده أي مشاكل و بيته مليان سعادة .. مع إن تقريباً لو كُل واحد فينا دخل قلب التاني، هيُشفق عليه .. شايف النُص اللّي عايز يشوفه و مشافش النُص التاني .. و لو شافه و خيرته إنه يبقي مكانه، و الله هيرفض .. لانه ببساطة مش هيعرف يتحمل الـ package كاملة .. محدش فينا مثلاً عمره فكر في الآية "وَلا تُعْجِبْكَ أَمْوالُهُمْ وَأَوْلادُهُمْ إِنَّما يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ أَنْ يُعَذِّبَهُمْ بِها فِي الدُّنْيا وَتَزْهَقَ أَنْفُسُهُمْ وَهُمْ كافِرُونَ' .. يعني المفروض مُش كُل حاجة تِبهرنا .. مُش كُل حاجة يبقي نفسنا فيها .. الله أعلم ربنا موزع نعمه إزاي و فين و لمين و ليه و إمتي .. بس محدش فينا بيُص علي قلبه .. و لا بيراجع نفسه .. لا عارف هوّ فين من كُل دة و لا هوّ فين و مين فيهُم عند ربنا. :)

وعلي الرغم من كدة، ما زالت الناس مبتسيبش بعض في حالها .. و ناس كثير بتشوف السعادة بس في حياة غيرها .. الرضا و القناعة و الحمد في ذاتهُم نعمة مش عند ناس كثير  .. كثير مننا محتاج وقفة مع نفسه لان ربنا عادل و بيدي كُل واحد فينا الحياة و الحاجات اللّي عارف انه محتاجها و اللّي هتسعده .. و هيبتليه بالصعوبات و المشاكل اللّي عارف انه هيتحملها و هيعدي منها و برحمته هيعرف يكمل .. و كله في وقته .. كل شيء عند ربنا سُبحانه و تعالي بقدر .. بس احنا مصممين نتفلسف و نعوز اللّي مش عندنا .. عارفين الصح و مش عارفنين نتبعه .. اه والله .. مصممين منثقش فيه و لا في حكمته ولا في عدله و اسبابه .. مع ان كُل حاجة مكتوبة من قبل ما نتخلق عنده .. و هوّ العليم الرؤوف بحالنا جميعاً .. أنا نفسي كثير بسأل ليه أنا و مش حد تاني .. و ليه دلوقتي .. و ليه مش فاهمة .. و ليه مش مقتنعة .. و ترجع الأيام و السنين تثبتلي ان في حاجات في حياة الواحد غالباً موجودة علشان منفهمهاش .. علشان نتعايش معاها و نرضي بيها و نثق في حكمته و بس .. و ممكن نموت و منعرفش الحكمة من وراها لانك لو عرفت، كنت هتدعي ربنا انك يا ريتك ما كُنت عرفت .. ربنا عدل .. عليم و حكيم و كريم بأحوال خلقه جميعاً .. عفوّ و رحيم و غفور و رؤوف و جبّار بعباده كلهم و بقلوبنا الضعيفة و الهشّة .. بيطبطب عليها في كُل لحظة بطريقته و بيبعتلك الحاجة اللّي عارف انك محتاجها في لحظتها .. ما منع أو أعطي عن أحد منّا إلا لحكمة يعلمها .. و ما زلت بسأل نفسي ليه بعد كل دة برضه روحي بتتفلسف و مش عاجبها و مش عارفة تجمد و تستحمل بعد العمر دة كله؟ و ليه مش عارفة تتغير و تغير مع انها في نفس الموّال من سنين؟

يا رب اهدنا و يسر الهُدي الينا و ارزقنا رؤية الحق و اتباعه .. و ارحم ضعفنا و ارزقنا الفهم و التفهُم و الرضا و القناعة و الحمد و الشُكر و اصرف عنّا شر ما قضيت يا الله ..

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (39) - Appreciation.

'Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.' :) 

الحمدُ لله من قبل و من بعد .. ِAppreciation and gratitude. It's a lesson I learnt the hard way and still suffering its consequences. Regret and pain are alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, regret and pain most of the times doesn't leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :) Sometimes it is too little too late and you must learn from your unfortunate decision. What screws a person up is trying to live up to image they create in their minds. There is no such thing as perfect, only perfect for you.

You may not realize it, but these days may be your happiest days in life and you're too busy dwelling on the imperfections of them to be grateful to Allah for them or to even enjoy them for yourself. Allah reminds us really fast sometimes, when we think things are bad, what "bad" can really look like. Don't wait for your blessings to be taken away from you to thank Allah for them. Life will never be perfect, but this may be as good as it will ever get for you. What you have now was once everything you strove to attain. Appreciate all the things you have in life because you never know when that time will end. Clear the clutter inside your mind and realize what you have right now. Don’t wait until you've lost it to finally see how much you took it for granted. Don’t wait until you realize that without it, your foundation to make it through each day begins to crumble.

Too many times people don’t realize what they have because they are out there looking for something better. The problem is that when they do realize it, they will come crawling back. Everyone falls into the trap that the grass is always greener on the other side. People make mistakes, it’s part of human nature. People constantly want something more, something new, but sometimes the most valuable things are what have been with us at all times. Just because something isn't happening for you right now does not mean that it never will. Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Just like you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, you don’t know what you've been missing until it arrives. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (38) - Forgiveness.

I read this article about how does a daughter forgive her mother for not protecting her. It is interesting how I could relate to some of its details. It does not have to be the mother we are talking about. It could be anyone including those very close ones you once trusted but failed to be there when you needed them the most. The article gave me hope. Forgiving someone for not being there is hard. I never knew how and when I could move on and forgive others and myself until I decided days ago to do so. I'd be lying if I said I moved on, but at least I am trying. As they always say: “Believe you can and you are half way there.” :)

How can I be angry with those close ones? A question I failed to answer precisely. They argue that they did not do me any harm. I must admit, They are right, but still they were not there either. They were the circle of trust. They were supposed to love, embrace and protect me back then. Maybe inaction doesn't have to be motivated by malice, but sometimes by someone's own paralyzing fear -- their survival instinct. The more I am angry with people, the more I realize I have a lot to change about myself.

When I shared my upset with a close friend, she said, “I hope you can forgive them one day,” as if forgiveness was an imperative, a measure of my inner goodness. But as I struggled with unbracing anxiety and sometimes depression, I wondered, what did it mean to forgive? Who was forgiveness for? :) I thought for years but I could not put my hands on the root of it. It is hard. As the years passed, I simply learnt to take everyone individually, as a different story. Unique yet familiar combination of experiences and circumstances. Forgiving those close ones doesn't mean I don't feel upset that they failed me. I am and will forever will. It just means I have put down the impossible task of trying to make them go back to the past to save me. It means forgiving myself before anyone else. :) 

For me, forgiveness means finding compassion for the little girl I was back then, the one who grew up struggling to figure out her destiny. Forgiveness means separating myself from the unhealthy parts of those close ones that took root inside me, including the fear I, for a long time, let drive my own adult decisions. By not forgiving them, I believe I will remain forever a child; blocking my own chance to grow up and continuing to see myself as a victim. Even worse, I keep my negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive while they continue to live their lives normally. Forgiveness means bearing witness to the moments I saw those close ones turn away, how it felt to be utterly helpless, and how, as the years progressed, I, too, began to turn away, exactly like them, to focus my gaze out the side window, to emotionally leave my life.

Forgiveness was a decision to stop suffering, to put down a burden that didn't serve me. When I faced and accepted the truth of the past, only then could I see that I had survived the horror. Only then could I feel my uncensored anger and disappointment and sorrow, and the close ones denial and anger-- along with their love, and their regret. Only then did I see the whole picture. Only then could I reclaim my power and look to the road ahead.

It really is true: “Freedom is what we do with what’s been done to us.” It is not the circumstances of our lives that matter. It is what we choose to do with them. Yes, some journeys take you farther from where you come from, but closer to where you belong.

*Note: I finished writing while listening to my very favorite song 'Let It Go.'.. I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve! :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (37) - Those incidents.

Those incidents engraved in our hearts and souls so deeply and still hurdle you from moving on. And you keep playing and replaying them in your memory everyday and every night. Going back means you will have to face your past. Haven't you been running from it for so long?! The truth is, you have but your mind refuse to get over them. Your heart refuse to forget and forgive. We say goodbyes before we even say hellos. It is painful how people can give up on each other, no matter how close they are. How some of them easily leave. How some others moved on but you didn't. How you can't differentiate between being kind and being weak!

I wish few people just know that although I sound strong, I am yet too fragile from the inside. :) I am human as everyone else. I live on the same crappy planet that is full of too much illogical nonsense. I have my vulnerabilities. I have my good days and bad days. I am a perfectionist. I am not good at embracing the fact that humans normally make mistakes and its okay. I accept all people as they are, except for myself. I am a typical introvert. I wish close ones stop setting expectations. I wish they love me for who I am, not the one who they think I should be. I know that many others have the same thoughts yet they do not have the courage to face them. That doesn't mean I don't have a dream. I have one and I literally think of it every day. I see it in front of me. I know I am not taking the 'out of the comfort zone' steps to come a step closer to achieve it. Its normal I guess. I don't have the enough courage to let go many things. :)

Sometimes pain numbs you like cold in the dark. A darkness that you never wish to return to. The darkness of being alone and the prison of failing others’ expectations. And you know, despite saying otherwise, nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same. It feels like you are breathing a different kind of oxygen than everyone else. You speak a different language than your friends and family. You turned a different color, rusting and fading away. No one understands you, and you understand no one. You may as well have been the only person on this earth. Pain is alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, pain most of the times doesn’t leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :)

I once read “People often turn to the skies in search of some sign, some comfort, some explosion of reason to help them understand the tragedies of life, saying “please help me understand, help me relieve this pain.” And when their requests are not immediately answered, they return to the quietude of themselves, disappointed and broken. As a response to this, I’ve often heard people say ‘if you wonder where Allah is when you’re going through pain, know that the teacher is always silent during the test.’ But the truth is that Allah has never been silent. He is not like the teacher who refuses to speak while the students are writing a stressful test. His words to us are recorded in a book. The soothing of our pain is recorded in a book. We can read what He sent for us in those pages at any point in time we wish. It is not He who is silent – it is we who refuse to listen.” :)

Why didn't we listen when Allah described Himself as الجبّار? Why didn’t we listen when Allah described himself as الكَريم، الرحيم and ّالعفو? He is the healer of all wounds. He the forgiver of all sins. He understands that sometimes we feel as though we are quite literally lost and broken into pieces, troubled by the rattling sounds of those loose parts within us as we walk forward in this existence. He is the only one who can forgive what you did, restore what was once broken within our hearts, transforming them into something whole and sound again. If only we would read, we would know that He can help us see that we are still breathing the same air and speaking the same language we once did. He can help us scrub the rust off of ourselves and see the true color of our faith again. He can help us understand that we are not actually alone, because we have Him.

There are two reasons why people don't talk much to others about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything. I am writing this as a note to myself, maybe one day I will come back and read it and silently smile. :) I was told before that when pain overtakes me, I should reach inside. Gather the broken pieces, and hand them to Allah. Ask Him to remake my heart yet different, this time. Stronger and even more beautiful. This is how we are made, and remade by the Maker. Maybe sometimes the gifts of Allah aren’t wrapped as we expect. يا رب اجبر بخاطر قلوبنا و ارحم ضعفنا و أعفوا عنّا .. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (36) - The Power of Writing.

We all have methods of coping with what we don't understand, of dealing with painful situations in our lives. The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be. Personally, when I don’t know what to do and feeling pained, putting words on paper feels tangible. It’s black and white in an otherwise grey time. When we don’t feel like talking, writing lets us speak in a solitary way. The blog post or page or paper is a never-ending space for depositing our concerns and fears and hopes. Writing has helped me to organize my thoughts, understand my feelings and process not only the failed moments but also to recover from grief and loss. 

You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you are. There is nothing that keeps me sane as words. ‘I have hated words, and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.’ There is a lot of power in the written word but occasionally words are hard to find. :)

We live in a world where words and writing are in abundance, yet sincerely is in rations. The ways words are said and written reveal the condition of the heart and the status of the circumstance. When used correctly, words have the power to change the world. Words are attached to the soul; they are a member of us. The word goes from the page and infuses into our inmost being. As Emily Dickinson writes, ‘I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.’

As Julia Schemmer writes, ‘Words have lifted me up and brought me down. Words have inspired me rationally when no one did. Words have comforted me for the hope of a better tomorrow. Words do not finish for compliments or gratitude. They are content in doing their job without recognition from others.’ I am thankful for the words that were never said and the silent lonesome moments fulfilling the need for speech. I am thankful for the words of praise and the words of insults, as they have fostered a sense of resiliency and determination within me. :)

A few years ago I began thinking of my life as stories. Not my entire life, but at least the parts that I believed had significant impact on who I am, both the negative and the positive.  I came to realize that perhaps had the core of what could become a helpful and guiding story for others. While writing with others in mind, I began to experience a mix of emotions and a sense of peace. Soon I realize that as I wrote, I come away feeling a sense of healing and inner satisfaction.

I barely write, because it takes courage, intention, vocabulary, creativity and time, and I probably lack all of them. I am a beginner, yet I tend to write and take brief notes of  what I think and how I feel everyday. I always tend to keep a journal or alternatively write in my blog. While it held my secrets, it by time held my heart. Reading back through my journals and posts has helped me reflect on where I used to be and where I am now in my life. It’s a method of allowing the light of understanding and compassion to shine on my past.  In the process of writing each journal and post, I have come to realize how much writing helps and how powerful words could be. Writing is the first step toward facing those parts of ourselves we'd rather leave buried. It never fails to relieve my heart from pain and my mind from overthinking. It gives me a closure and also a new beginning. 

My thoughts most of the time are personal and shallow, but I still write anyways. I have recently decided to share some of these stories because sharing our stories is the next step because it connects us. It reminds each and every one of us that we are not alone. In revealing our own truth, we give others the courage to reveal theirs. We all have a story to tell, and that story you share may reach and help someone else. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (35) - Not Good Enough!

Fifteen years ago, I was a just a kid celebrating the beginning of a new millennium. While I am getting older, I still did not move on. I did not get over the memories and experiences engraved within. I am still trying. I am still going through the same ups and downs. I am still stuck in a grey area between who I am, who I wanted to be and how the society wants me to be. I am never good enough. I am two years older but yet three more steps behind. And the older I grow, the wider my choices become, the freer I am and the portrait of how hazy and grayish my life is finds its way to the shed of light.

Sometimes I am downright rude to myself. I make fall short of my own expectations and instead of treating it as a learning opportunity, I beat myself up about it and end up with bad weeks of self-doubt. The pressure coming from the atmosphere, peers and family is enough to completely make us broken inside. If you don't have the right job, marry at the right age, have the right lifestyle, behave in the right way and so forth, we assume we are just not good enough nor accepted. Did I forget the purpose of living? Did I lose track of these little things that makes me genuinely happy? Why is it never 'good enough'? It always feels incomplete, unfinished and never quite good enough.

It is so frustrating when regardless of how much you do, or how hard you try, it is never good enough. It is even worse when you keep telling yourself that you are not good enough. Because that is what I did. I think I sell myself short sometimes. I am afraid to ask for what I want, because a part of me is afraid that I don't deserve it. Even after fifteen years, I was still not good enough. Even on good days, I felt like no matter how many special efforts I made, there was so much more I could have done. No matter how much I went an extra mile on a day, I could have done more or I could have kept up with it better in the first place. I could not allow myself to feel happy over taking my sister out for dinner, because I could have brought her something as a gesture. I could not feel like an adequate daughter or friend or sister. because I always could have done better.

I often feel doomed from the start telling myself 'What is the point of trying?' People I know told me over and over that I was enough. I wanted to believe them and they were just trying to be nice. Even my parents; they loved me. They still love me. But they let perfectionism undermine their guidance. I believed the lie that it always says it is never good enough and it could always be better. The lie that says that if we just worked harder, sacrificed more and stretchered ourselves a little slimmer, nothing would ever go wrong!

Honestly, this is not how life works. The resistance to 'what is' is what cause our suffering. Every day brings a choice. Choose to be miserable and you will find plenty to reasons. Happiness is allowing myself to be perfectly okay with 'what is,' rather than wishing for and worrying about 'what is not.'

So, what about now? I have started to realize that life is made up of the little moments. I am trying to stop trying to be perfect and embrace be who I am. It is taking longer and much more effort for some areas in my life. I still have a hard time ever feeling good about myself, what I believe in and what I do. Believing in myself, skills and talents is a journey, which has been deliberately delayed, but is worth it. The good days when I accomplish what I have on my to-do list and even the bad days when I am only physically capable of 'the bare minimum,' it all adds up to a life that is simply 'good enough.' It may be easier written than felt, but at least I do my best to acknowledge it. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (34) - الله لا ينسانا (1). :)

و هييجي اليوم اللّي هتلاقي فيه نفسك اتمسحت من علي الخريطة .. متزعلش .. متتوجعش .. متتكسرش .. متفكرش في الموضوع .. ما هو انت اللي اخترت الطريق اللي وداك هناك. :)

أيوة، حتي صحابك و أهلك هينسوك في يوم من الأيام .. الدروب هتختلف رويداً رويداً .. قد تختلف الدروب و تبتعد عنهم بشكل تصعُب عليه بقاء العلاقات كما كانت عليه في سابق عهدها .. مُمكن جداً متشوفهمش تاني .. و أيوة هيجي يوم و هنقابل الخالق و هتُحاسب علي سعيك في دربك انت لوحدك خلال رحلتك القصيرة في الدُنيا .. قوّي علاقتك مع اللّي عُمره ما نسيك مهما نسيته .. اللّي مهما اختلفت الظروف و الناس، هوّ لسة موجود .. الشئ الوحيد المُسلم به الثابت في دُنيانا الفانية .. اللّه سُبحانه و تعالي .. ادعي و احكي و اشتكي له حتي لو بقلبك .. ربنا سُبحانه و تعالي هوّ الوحيد اللّي مُش هيمل من دعائنا و طلباتنا و اسئلتنا و حكاوينا و شكاوينا و مناجتنا لحد ما إحنا نمل .. فاكرنا و مش بينسانا مهما نسيناه .. ودود كريم رحيم عفوّ بجد. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (33) - First impressions.

We hear it all the time. "You never get a second chance to make a good first impression." In a split second, it is said that our brains judges whether someone is a friend or an enemy, loyal, attractive or neither. But can first impressions ever be correct and accurate? Can others read us even if we do not want them to? And what about the way we see others - what does the image we get of them say about us?

There are plenty of books that promise to decode people's body language and personality, but I feel that they aren't really worth reading. The brain judgment is almost instant. We need a few milliseconds. However, first impressions are not perfect. Making a quick decision about someone can have consequences. If the first impression was a mistake, it can take a while to realize this. That's why it is important, when making these judgments, that we do not allow assumptions to take over. It easy to judge people on what you know. We apply our emotions to our perceptions.

Personally, I don't believe in first impressions. While they are important, but it is not just the first impressions that count. It is the number of impressions that count. I believe in first impressions and second impressions and third impressions and fourth impressions. Every one of us is human. Everyone makes mistakes. Every one of us might spill their coffee on their pants going to an interview, or oversleep or not get enough sleep or have a bad day or be in a bad mood, or forget a date and time or lose their cell phone or forget to call or feel sick or just be grouchy. Islam taught me we should give our brothers and sisters over 70 excuses before you can blame them. Maybe we should learn bringing this concept in real life and stop judging each other. Ask yourself, how would you like to be treated if your roles were reversed? :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (32) -That kid.

Have you ever noticed the student at the far corner trying not to get noticed? Yeah, the one who enjoys reading in the library rather than joining people in the play ground .. The one  whose default facial expressions lean to be a little sad, while he is not .. The one who has so much to say but a little comes out .. The one who loves being around people, but loves more to be with themselves in their room, locked and running away from facing this world .. The one who was able to cope with the fact that he may not be popular nor getting the attention, but he is doing what should be done from behind the scenes, and appreciates if people does not know he exists .. The one who people think he is bored or sad, when he is actually enjoying listening and observing quietly!

People think I am anti-social. People think I am proud and condescending. Maybe a little. But the truth is, I am not.  You know, as a matter of fact, I am usually not the happiest person on earth when I am being accused as usual for being "not the most friend person you can meet" .. Or being an "anti-social person who is usually turned on the silent mode" .. Or even being "mean," "rude," and all the other pitiful epithets many of the extroverts choose to apply to my personality type.

It is that sometimes, I just can't accept the fact of people noticing my very existence .. I have always been looking forward to that part of the day, left to stay with myself without being surrounded by people .. I have always wished for someone to just gift me an "invisibility cloak" .. That would have made me the happiest creature on earth. I always hoped that I would be able to maintain a sustainable state of isolation, unconsciously running away and upgrading a higher level of introversion from a consistently degrading humanity ..

Not only have I alienated myself from the rest of the world, but I also have let some people think I hate them as individuals and thus ignore them.  And if there is no more business to talk of, I ska-doodle, fast. I am the last to come and the first to leave. Less small talk that way. It would seem that what started as an extreme shyness and a mean to assist me run away, turned into being anti-social, and I let people think of it that way. But it still holds partial truthful facts.

Nevertheless, I can frankly categorize myself as an introvert who has been trying hardly to reach a sustainable level of self-acceptance towards being an introvert. For instance, recently  I figured out that I am used to force myself to be social and hardly getting out of the shell I built for years and years. I even engaged myself in activities and social commitments I do not enjoy, only because I thought my desire to be alone came from an unhealthy place--you know, like depression or "wanting to isolate to avoid something." While, when I tend to try being with myself,  I love it. I feel my energy expand to fill my surroundings, rather than shrinking to accommodate them.

As I think more about trying more to accept my introversion, I actually feel that I may be able to allocate more social energy for the people who I chose to let in, who I didn't find draining to be around. I might come to trust my need to recharge with some time alone. It actually means spending more time alone in the beginning, like I had to make up for all the time that I didn't let myself spend enough time alone.

While we live in a culture that over-values extroversion, the world needs both extroverts and introverts. When an introvert accepts him or herself, it is possible to emerge form the cave with a fresh perspective to share that is a needed one. There is a lot of creative energy associated with introversion. I am not shy, I can strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. Extroverts need to get over themselves and realize that Introversion is a perfectly a valid personality type, and should never be categorized as a flaw!!!

Dear Introverts,

Give yourself permission to spend time alone, screen those phone calls. Your friends that get you will understand. The ones who don't may need to fall by the wayside or reexamine their expectations of you. But don't forget, it is still important to find a way to communicate your needs to those close to you. With self-acceptance, it is easier to do this with grace rather than resentment.

Sincerely,

A fellow introvert. :) 

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (31) - I am glad I didn't give up!

We all face obstacles. We think we are on the right track but we then realize we have chosen the complete wrong path. We are enthusiastic hard-working by nature, but our support system gradually fails when we need them the most. We are just about to make significant progress and achievement towards your dream but suddenly everything collapse. 

Tenacious as we may be, we all have our breaking points. But didn't we have a good reason for committing to achieving our dreams in the first place? Odds are, we still want to achieve those dreams; we just stopped believing we could achieve them because our attempts have yet to yield results on the ground. 

Let’s take a step backwards, would our lives be better if we gave up on our dreams? This may not sound motivational, but sometimes giving up is actually a good thing to achieve something greater. Sometimes I set a completely unrealistic goal and its pursuit is filling me with a constant set of inadequacy and anxiety. We could easily use this as a justification to delude ourselves, so one should think about it very carefully.

One of my biggest problems is that I do not like responsibility. There are tons of things that I like to do, but I resist because I do not want the power to influence, impact, hurt or even disappoint myself and other people. That does not mean that I do not have dreams. It is that I am scared of what achieving them will entail. Great power comes with greater responsibility, but also brings even greater rewards. If I play safe, I won't hurt or disappoint anyone, but also I won't help or inspire anyone and equally important, myself. The comfort zone is beautiful, but nothing great grows there. 

We all need to get out of our comfort zones every once in a while. I often think I may disappoint other people … or afraid of who they perceive or judge me. In reality, no one ever judges us like we judge ourselves. The closest people will disappoint us more than our fear to disappoint them, and we all grow and learn through the process of striving, regardless of what we attain. If we don’t keep going, we will never know how far we could have gone and we will miss out on being the person we’d become through the effort itself. If we do keep going, well, it’s like this quote: “Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.”

One must remember that Allah has perfect timing for everything. Never early and never late. But it takes a little patience and a lot of faith. Yes ... There will always thousand days when you feel like giving up ... But unless you are 10000% sure, then don't!!! There will always be extremely tough days when you feel like you don't have what it takes and it’s better to settle for something less ... But you 10000% do!!! And hell yes … There will be dozens of other days when everything seems to be falling apart ... But they won't. You got to fight hard and follow your guts to achieve what you deserve and worked your hard to attain!!! -_-

And it is when you are at this lowest point, that you are faced with a choice. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up. You got to have faith in Allah's plan for you and trust the process. You must know that things will work out for the good and there will be days when you look back and say 'Alhamdulillah … I am glad I didn't give up!' :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (30) - و استعينوا بالصبر و الصلاة. :)

و لنا في السجود وطن .. آه و الله ..من الواضح ان أنا اللي مبركزش كوّيس .. ربنا سُبحانه و تعالي بيذكرنا و يقولنا 'و استعينوا بالصبر و الصلاة' .. مش الصبر أو الصلاة .. يعني الإثنين مع بعض .. مفيش واحدة فيهم هينفع تمشي من غير التانية .. يعني لازم تلتزم و تحافظ علي صلاتك و كمان تستعين بالصبر .. مينفعش تنتظم في الصلاة و متصبرش .. و مينفعش تصبر و متصليش :) أن تحتسب و تصبر حكماً و يقيناً علي الرزق .. انك تثق ويكون عندك يقين في حكمة الله من كل شيء و متستعجلش علي النتيجة أو الرزق .. محدش هياخد رزق حد .. كل شيء مقدر و مكتوب .. الصبر مش سهل بطبيعة الحال .. 'و إنها لكبيرة إلا علي الخاشعين' .. مش أي حد هيفهم ويقدر قيمة الصلاة والصبر إلا ناس معينة بيحبوا ربنا قوي و عندهم يقين و مسلمين أمرهم ليه تماماً .. و مكانش بقي فيه باب مخصوص للصابرين :) 

و اللي متعلمش الصبر هو صغير، أديه بيتعلمه مضطر أما كِبر .. الفكرة هو بيصبر و مسلم و مُحتسب و لا لا .. واحد فينا هياخد ثواب علي نية صبره و إحتسابه، و التاني زيه زيّ غيره اللي مصبرش .. النيّة بتغيّر كُل حاجة .. و الفعل بيغيّر كُل حاجة برضه .. الإثنين مينفعوش من غير بعض ..فيا رب أرزقنا السكينة و الصبر و الطمأنينة و الثبات و الإحتساب و إربُط علي قلوبنا. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (29) - النهاية.

يتمالكني شعور وقناعة بأن النهاية إقتربت .. شعور يُلازمني أينما كُنت حرفياً .. لا أعلم ما هي النهاية التي أنتظرها ولكنها أوشكت وأقرب مما أظُن .. قد  تكون نِهايتي إقتربت .. قد تكون نهاية العَالم قد إقتربت .. لا أمتلك أدلة مَوضوعية على ما أقول و لَن أستنِد إلي أيّ شئ لتبرير هذه القَناعة و لا هذا الشعور .. ما أشعُر به هوّ أني كُلما حاولت، أجد نفسي أٌحيد عن طريق الله رويداً .. أجدُ المُبرارات دوماً .. و كُلما ذكرتُ نفسي، أجد نفسي تحيدُ أكثر و أكثر لا إرادياً .. أبكي حُرقةً كُل يوم .. الإيمان ضعيف .. الرُوح خاوية .. القلب لا أعلم إن كان خَتم الله عليه .. الفِطرة تشوهت .. العقل لا يعي ما سينتُج عن حِياده .. لا أعلمُ إذا كُنت وحدي من أُعاني و أَحيدُ و أُذكِر نفسي لعلي أعود لرُشدي و هُدايّ .. و لكني أشعُر بأن البَشرية وصلت إلي مَراحل غَير مَسبوقة تاريخياً من التَشوّه الأَخلاقي و خَرق كُل فِطرة مُتواجدة في كُل الكَون .. أصبح الوَاقع يُطيح و يُدمِر و يقَضى عَلى كُل البَديهيات و الثوابِت و الفِطرة ..

في تلك الفترات العصيبة، علي الإنسان منّا أن يُكرس حياته للبحث عن الحقيقة و البحث عن إيمان سليم .. إيمان لا يشوبه ذرة من كِبر .. فهذه هي فطرة الإنسان كما خلقها خالقها ..  لقد فطرها علي البحث عن الحق و الإيمان به .. الله .. الحق .. العدل ذو الرحمة .. العفوّ الكريم .. يا رب هوِّن و رُدنا إليك رداً جميلاً و لا تتوفانا إلا و أنت راضٍ عنّا يا رحيم ..

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (28) - مجتمع بحاجة للسفر.

'مع الوقت أزداد قَناعة أننا مُجتمع بحاجة للسفر ... نحتاج للسفر لنفهم أننا لَسنا مَركز الكُون و نفهم أن حولنا بشر آخرين طبيعيين ليسوا إمّا شياطين أو ملائكة ... لنفهم أن المَكتوب فيّ الكُتب و ما يتناوله المثقفين لا يعكس الواقع الإنساني للبشر البتة ... نَحتاج أن نفهم و نستوعب و نصدق أننا لَسنا وحدنا في هذا العالم بل و أن العالم به كثير جداً من البشر لا يعبأون أساساً بنا لا لشئ إلا لأنهم فعلاً لديهم مشاكل أكبر بالنسبة لهم من أن يفكروا فينا.' - هِشام عيسي

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (27) - إسمعني. :)

مبقتش مستنيّة تـ "إحلم معايا" .. و لا بسألك نحافظ علي الـ "إنسان" اللّي جواك وجوايَا  .. و لا هفكرك، ما أصل هـ "أقولك إيه" .. بس أنا مبطلبش أكثر من إنك لو سمحت "إسمعني"  .. فاضِل ليّ إيه ؟! :)

نبرة التطور في الكَلمات صادقة و مؤثرة و موحية وموجعة جداً وعاكسة للواقع، ولأرواحنا بشكل عجيب .. أحداث كثير بتجري قُدامي أمّا بسمع حمزة .. ده تفكير جيل مختلف ... مش متهور و لا مش فاهم ولا متشائم.... بس مختلف .. و صدقني مُش هيبقي نُسخة من ماضيك. :)

حمزة عمّال يحدفنا يمين و شمال .. من تذكرتي رايح جي .. لروح يا قطر متستناش .. من احلم معايا .. لاسمعني .. من دوري يا دُنيا .. يا مظلوم ارتاح .. رايح بينا علي فين يا حمزة؟! مُش كدة .. بالراحة علينا شوّية و بلاش تقلب علينا المواجع أكثر ما هيّ متقلبة .. الحمدُ لله. :)