تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (37) - Those incidents.

Those incidents engraved in our hearts and souls so deeply and still hurdle you from moving on. And you keep playing and replaying them in your memory everyday and every night. Going back means you will have to face your past. Haven't you been running from it for so long?! The truth is, you have but your mind refuse to get over them. Your heart refuse to forget and forgive. We say goodbyes before we even say hellos. It is painful how people can give up on each other, no matter how close they are. How some of them easily leave. How some others moved on but you didn't. How you can't differentiate between being kind and being weak!

I wish few people just know that although I sound strong, I am yet too fragile from the inside. :) I am human as everyone else. I live on the same crappy planet that is full of too much illogical nonsense. I have my vulnerabilities. I have my good days and bad days. I am a perfectionist. I am not good at embracing the fact that humans normally make mistakes and its okay. I accept all people as they are, except for myself. I am a typical introvert. I wish close ones stop setting expectations. I wish they love me for who I am, not the one who they think I should be. I know that many others have the same thoughts yet they do not have the courage to face them. That doesn't mean I don't have a dream. I have one and I literally think of it every day. I see it in front of me. I know I am not taking the 'out of the comfort zone' steps to come a step closer to achieve it. Its normal I guess. I don't have the enough courage to let go many things. :)

Sometimes pain numbs you like cold in the dark. A darkness that you never wish to return to. The darkness of being alone and the prison of failing others’ expectations. And you know, despite saying otherwise, nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same. It feels like you are breathing a different kind of oxygen than everyone else. You speak a different language than your friends and family. You turned a different color, rusting and fading away. No one understands you, and you understand no one. You may as well have been the only person on this earth. Pain is alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, pain most of the times doesn’t leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :)

I once read “People often turn to the skies in search of some sign, some comfort, some explosion of reason to help them understand the tragedies of life, saying “please help me understand, help me relieve this pain.” And when their requests are not immediately answered, they return to the quietude of themselves, disappointed and broken. As a response to this, I’ve often heard people say ‘if you wonder where Allah is when you’re going through pain, know that the teacher is always silent during the test.’ But the truth is that Allah has never been silent. He is not like the teacher who refuses to speak while the students are writing a stressful test. His words to us are recorded in a book. The soothing of our pain is recorded in a book. We can read what He sent for us in those pages at any point in time we wish. It is not He who is silent – it is we who refuse to listen.” :)

Why didn't we listen when Allah described Himself as الجبّار? Why didn’t we listen when Allah described himself as الكَريم، الرحيم and ّالعفو? He is the healer of all wounds. He the forgiver of all sins. He understands that sometimes we feel as though we are quite literally lost and broken into pieces, troubled by the rattling sounds of those loose parts within us as we walk forward in this existence. He is the only one who can forgive what you did, restore what was once broken within our hearts, transforming them into something whole and sound again. If only we would read, we would know that He can help us see that we are still breathing the same air and speaking the same language we once did. He can help us scrub the rust off of ourselves and see the true color of our faith again. He can help us understand that we are not actually alone, because we have Him.

There are two reasons why people don't talk much to others about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything. I am writing this as a note to myself, maybe one day I will come back and read it and silently smile. :) I was told before that when pain overtakes me, I should reach inside. Gather the broken pieces, and hand them to Allah. Ask Him to remake my heart yet different, this time. Stronger and even more beautiful. This is how we are made, and remade by the Maker. Maybe sometimes the gifts of Allah aren’t wrapped as we expect. يا رب اجبر بخاطر قلوبنا و ارحم ضعفنا و أعفوا عنّا .. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh