This
heartbreaking scene by Tom Hanks in movie 'the terminal,' when he finally gets
out of the airport to New York City while watching the news of the civil war in
Krakozhia. Only few will understand and relate to these exact same moments many
of us experience. The helplessness this country makes us feel every day. I can't keep listening to people telling me I no longer belong. I can't keep crying everyday. Who are you to define what I should believe in, need and want? It kills when it comes from the closest person around us; those ones who we thought would stand up for us, are now the ones who left us behind. Yes, there are things in life that I can't still afford losing although I left
a while ago. I can't afford losing the bond I have with some people. I can't
afford losing the faith that I have in God. I can't afford losing trust in the
closest people to my heart. I can't afford losing an inch of my freedom. I
can't afford losing interest in some friendships and some relationships. I
can't afford losing the sparkle in my special ones' eyes as we laugh.
I can't
afford losing what makes me alive and as I grow up and witness big losses. I
hold on more and more to every special person, place and feeling that I have. I
can't afford losing my life, my friends, my dreams and all the memories
attached. Yet, I left escaping the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and
depression. I escaped but I hope I did not lose them yet. The same feelings are
haunting me again now every day. Every time I write a status, I delete it and
decide to keep it for myself. This keeps happening a lot lately. I try to
remain humane with a compassionate soul, keep my mouth shut and my heart
unbiased for the past two years. But, I can no longer take it. The more I am
silent, the more I suffer insomnia, have sleepless nights, have severe
headaches, asthma attacks, horrible nightmares, ongoing feelings of guilt, broken
sad heart, weak fragile soul and yet there is nothing that my hands can do to
help diminishing this inhumanity. The world is messed up. Illogical shit and
inhumanity prevails everywhere. Nothing makes sense anymore and I am angry and
I have no one to share my thoughts with. I have no friends around me who
understands and I am bound to face this every day. I am weak and I cannot
embrace one of the hardest challenges I ever had. I belong to a generation
which reached a desperate stage where its fear of living is literally way more
beyond its fear of death!
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