تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (53) - The difficulties.

I once read that a 'one of the difficulties of leaving a relationship is not so much, at the end, leaving the person themselves — because, by that time, you’re ready to go; what’s difficult is leaving the dreams that you shared together. And you know that somehow — no matter who you meet in your life in the future, and no matter what species of happiness you would share with them — you will never, ever share those particular dreams again, with that particular tonality and coloration. And so there’s a lovely and powerful form of grief there that is the ultimate of giving away but making space for another form of reimagination.' - David Whyte 

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (52) - These moments.

These moments when even the closest friends no longer care. Life is unfair. I hate how we grew up and how we are just expected to simply move on and accept the fact that we grew apart that fast from people we have had significant close friendships and relationships with. I hate to see how someone we cherished no longer affect our lives positively and we just have to let them go. :) Yes, distance makes us reassess friendships and relationships more properly. And yes, it is Dunya and this is how we are required to detach ourselves from it and care only for Allah. اللهُم أُجبر بخواطرنا جميعاً. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (51) - Life experiences.

Life experiences do not happen by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason. We are sometimes broken hearted and sometimes stronger in the places that we have been broken. Each experience is a contributing piece, and sometimes it doesn't feel like the pieces should go into the overall puzzle, but somehow, they always do fit, creating a full sensible picture. It is just a matter of perspective. :).

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (50) - The shadow.

I disagree when they say that the shadow is the person we would rather not to be. The shadow is that simple part of ourselves, it is flexible the way it stretches and contorts. The shadow is our dark side, the side that we hide and climb into, not the person we would rather not to be, but the person we would rather be. We become shadows of the people that we once used to know.

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (49) - Flowers.

We say flowers return every spring, but that is a lie. The flower that wilted last year is gone. Petals once fallen are fallen forever. Flowers do not return in the spring, rather they are replaced. It is in this difference between the returned and replaced that the price of change is paid. And as it is for spring flowers, so it is for us. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (48) - أُم الدُنيا.

This heartbreaking scene by Tom Hanks in movie 'the terminal,' when he finally gets out of the airport to New York City while watching the news of the civil war in Krakozhia. Only few will understand and relate to these exact same moments many of us experience. The helplessness this country makes us feel every day. I can't keep listening to people telling me I no longer belong. I can't keep crying everyday. Who are you to define what I should believe in, need and want? It kills when it comes from the closest person around us; those ones who we thought would stand up for us, are now the ones who left us behind. Yes, there are things in life that I can't still afford losing although I left a while ago. I can't afford losing the bond I have with some people. I can't afford losing the faith that I have in God. I can't afford losing trust in the closest people to my heart. I can't afford losing an inch of my freedom. I can't afford losing interest in some friendships and some relationships. I can't afford losing the sparkle in my special ones' eyes as we laugh.

I can't afford losing what makes me alive and as I grow up and witness big losses. I hold on more and more to every special person, place and feeling that I have. I can't afford losing my life, my friends, my dreams and all the memories attached. Yet, I left escaping the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and depression. I escaped but I hope I did not lose them yet. The same feelings are haunting me again now every day. Every time I write a status, I delete it and decide to keep it for myself. This keeps happening a lot lately. I try to remain humane with a compassionate soul, keep my mouth shut and my heart unbiased for the past two years. But, I can no longer take it. The more I am silent, the more I suffer insomnia, have sleepless nights, have severe headaches, asthma attacks, horrible nightmares, ongoing feelings of guilt, broken sad heart, weak fragile soul and yet there is nothing that my hands can do to help diminishing this inhumanity. The world is messed up. Illogical shit and inhumanity prevails everywhere. Nothing makes sense anymore and I am angry and I have no one to share my thoughts with. I have no friends around me who understands and I am bound to face this every day. I am weak and I cannot embrace one of the hardest challenges I ever had. I belong to a generation which reached a desperate stage where its fear of living is literally way more beyond its fear of death! 

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (47) - My Jihad.

A week ago, I was crying hysterically. القابض علي دينه كالقابض علي جمرة من نار. . Yes, I am scared. For a moment I felt I can barely find people around me with good logical standards. I won't ask about Islamic teaching standards, but at least human ones. No فطرة. Nothing at all. Where are those? Why do we live in a world where what we have been raised upon does not correspond to the real world? I am serious.

For a moment, yes everything was black. I felt I couldn’t even find people around me with the same basics my parents taught me. Regardless of how old I am or where I reside, I still question myself daily, am I wrong or right? Am I the one who need to change or the world is going messier every day? Inhumane world, inconsistent behaviors and dual-standard practices. I am not sure how long I can take it before I collapse like many others in my community. How long can I maintain my beliefs before I fall? Would I get stronger or weaker? Can I influence others or be influenced? I recently came to a conclusion that everything I claimed I won't settle for less than it, I am now settling for even lesser. It just happens and you will never feel this change quite easily. Everything wrong or right is accessible, and it is always a matter of choice. Where would my choices take me? I just wonder .. 

I stopped bugging my friends with these babbled thoughts. They can’t tolerate negativity forever. But I like how a friend simplified this ongoing dilemma for me years ago: 'Jihad is struggle. It is eating only one cupcake when you want to eat five. It is studying for the exam when you rather play video games. It is getting out of bed to pray when the blankets are so warm. It is donating charity when you want to buy a new computer. It is holding your tongue when you want to curse. It is the struggle against oneself.' Reading between the lines, you figure out that there is no perfect but Allah. So the moment we stop seeing good in other people around us, we lose the ability to be good ourselves. But, the moment we realize that the enemy is not outside but inside us, the real battle begins. :)

One key contributing aspect to our own jihad journey is our own sohba. Sohba does not only mean our own best friends, but it also include our family, acquaintances, coworkers, spouses, children, siblings, or many others. As John Rohn says 'You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.' Surrounding ourselves with good people is important. Good people bring out the good in people. Good people aren't saints, or at least they don't have to be. They are simply the people who inspire you to be a better person. 

May Allah bless us a righteous sohba. I know how it feels and it is difficult, but I hope that seeing the bad in people can only inspire each of us to hold onto the good, and to aspire to raising pious children who will be good examples and good company for others one day who feel like how you do right now. This is not to say that good people don't exist. I do believe that there are those ones out there as good as each of us, who are saying the same thing "is there no one like me in this world?" This how the world is balanced. :) If there are no good people, then there must be ones who are not good yet but have the desire and are striving to be good one day. But if good people give up like I did a week ago, and abandon their good peers, we will all be lost within our own jihad battles alone.

Remember Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) hadith 'None of you will (truly) believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself.' A true meaning of selflessness. I feel that when we hear these sayings we understand them at a basic level which makes them seem easy to do. The saying above is equivalent to the Golden rule that we all know: “treat others the way you want to be treated”. But there is a much deeper, almost profound, meaning to the saying. To fully understand and implement the saying above, we have to love everything you have and love, for every single person in the world. And not only that, but you have to actively try, as best you can, to provide the things you have and love to everyone else on this planet. In other words, if you are trying to be good, then help your friends to be good too. No one is expecting any of us to save the world. But at the same time, each of us must do their part, to the best of their abilities and with the resources we have.

اللهُم الهداية للحق و الثبات في الارض و يوم العرض. اللهُم صحبة سوّية صالحة تشدُد من أزرنا و نُشركها في أمرنا.

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (46) - What if؟

I always wondered how can someone willingly decide to torture himself with consistent hesitation only because he's afraid to give something a try.

Why would someone willingly kill a daring heartbeat that is urging him to go for what thrills it, just because they are not sure of what is beyond such decision/action awaiting them. I never knew until I recently fell in the same exact trap. Thinking of the unknown really scares some people off. They fool themselves into drawing a twisted image of the other side, one that pushes them away from trying, in the hope for putting an end to their hesitation.

But not only they kill the daring heartbeat, but they also kill that part of themselves that once believed and lived on that 'what if' heartbeat. They killed an extraordinary 'could be' just because the 'what if' thought was out of the norm and challenged long old beliefs. They keep holding too tightly to such beliefs so they can define themselves and can't seem to dare and try any other synonym or definition.

They would do anything to prove to themselves that it will always be darker on the 'could be' side. It is sad that someone can be talented and daring, yet they fail to see it within themselves. It is even sadder to watch them walk away choosing the safe side shore over challenging themselves and picking the unknown.

Isn't this how life works and how we grow. The resistance to 'what is' is what cause our suffering. Every day brings a choice to pick a 'what if' against the 'what is.' Choose to be miserable and you will find plenty to reasons. Happiness is allowing myself to be perfectly okay with 'what is,' and working on the 'what if' rather than wishing for and worrying about 'what is not.'

Well frankly, I never knew it until I recently fell in the same exact trap. I often questioned myself and felt doomed every time I start telling myself 'What is the point of trying?' Now I regret choosing the safe side over the 'what if' side. Neglecting my thoughts of the 'what if' fearing to lose the 'what is.' I learnt the lesson the hard way. Regret and pain are alienating, and contrary to what most people think, they don't leave. We just get used to living with it.

My advice to everyone reading this is to stop the hesitation, clear the clutter inside your mind and don't shy out of experiences. Don’t wait until you've lost something/someone to finally see how much you could have achieved and how much you took something/someone for granted. Yes, don't fall in the same trap I did, because unless you are wary, even the brightest minds can easily deceive its owners into the wrong path out of fear of the 'what if.'

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (45) - 1980 و إنت طالع.

النَاهردة عِرفت يعني إيه الواحد مُمكن يعيط ويضحك من قلبه فيّ ذات اللحظة. :)

أنا مُتحمسة أشارك تجرُبتي المتواضعة مع مسرحية 1980 وإنت طالع. أولاً هيّ فعلاً من أكثر الحَاجات المُوجعة والحِلوة اللّي اتفرجت عليها بعد مَسرحية قهوة سادة .. المَواقف مكتوبة بدقة ولا تُحاكي الواقع فقط، بل هيّ الواقع ذاته .. هنيئاً للكاتب والمؤلف لأن المواضيع اللّي تم اختيارها في محلها وكيفية طرحها أكثر من مُعبر وعبقري .. وعرفت بعد رُبع قرن إن معاناتي وأفكاري المشوشة المكركبة مش بعاني منها لوحدي .. وجع قلب جيلنا وأفكاره وطموحاته وأحلامه البسيطة في حياة طبيعية بحلوها وبمُرها .. والتوهان اللّي جيلنا عايش فيه وبيُعاني منه .. واليأس اللّي بيشوفه في كُل لحظة في حياته .. وتضارُب ولخبطة مشاعرنا من أقصي لحظات الغضب والثورة تارة، للحظات وفاة أحبائنا وأصحابنا تارة، ولحظات الفرح والبهجة تارة أٌخري، وكأنه شئ طبيعي تسمع خبر موت صاحبك وتحضر صلاة الجنازة الصُبح، وبعدين تطمن علي صاحبك الثورجي الظُهر، وبعدين تحضر فرح صاحبك الثالث ليلاً .. أيوة كُله في نفس اليوم ..  

ولا الظُلم اللّي الشباب بيشوفه والبطالة اللّي عايش فيها لغاية ما قرر يتنازل عن طموحاته و يغير أحلامه ومفيش مُشكلة يسيب البلد ويمشي وأقصي طموحاته يعيش بني آدم .. ولا أزمة الزواج وإزاي الأهل بيتعسفوا علشان البنت لازم تعيش في نفس المستوي، فالولد لازم يجيب ويجيب .. ولا الولد لو مشتغلش شُغلانة مُعينة وأخد مُرتب معين يبقي فاشِل ومفيش منه أمل .. ولا إزاي المُجتمع بيحُط البنت اللّي إتأخرت في الزواج في قالب واحد كأن  ملهاش وجود ولا أهداف إلا إنها تتجوز .. ولازم في سن مُعين وإلا تبقي عَنِست .. قال يعني بتبقي مبسوطة أمّا بتسمع كلامكُم المُش لطيف دة دة .. مع إنها مُمكن جداً تكون حققت نجاحات تانية كثير .. 

بلاش، ولا السياسة اللّي داخلة في كُل حاجة في حياتنا لغاية أمّا دمرت علاقتنا ببعض ويا ريتها جات بفايدة .. الأهل وعلاقتهم الملخبطة بولادهُم من مُنتمي جيلنا الغلبان وموقعه فين من الإعراب بعد دة كُله .. البنات وقد إيه التعامُل معاهُم في شئ من التعسُف والتقليل من وضعها كبني آدمة ليها مُخ ورأي وعقل و روح ومشاعر في المُجتمع المُتهتك اللّي عايشين فيه مقارنة بالولاد اللّي بيعملوا كُل اللّي نفسهم فيه سواء حرام أو حلال أو حتي ضد أعراف المُجتمع والأصول ويعترض ويقولك عادي جداً أنا ولد وحُر أعمل اللّي أنا عايزه .. عَبقرية في طرح المواضيع الملخبطة في سيميترية وبساطة للمُشاهد في وقت قليل ..

تحية للمُمثلين والمخرج و جميع القائمين علي العمل لأنهم أكثر من رائعين .. تحية لكُل اللّي مؤمن بحلمه وعارف هوّ عايز إيه ومُش خايف ومُستمر وبيعافر علشان يحققه .. مسرحية تستحق ان الواحد يروحها تاني وثالث وعاشر .. المشاهد بتتغير وبتطور كُل فترة .. وصدقني هتطلع كُل مرة مبسوط ومُتأثر وموجوع أكثر من المرة اللّي قبلها .. الصراحة قهوة سادة و1980 وإنت طالع والمسرحيات المُشابهة المُعتمدة علي الشباب الّي عنده فِكرة يوصلها بتخلي الواحد يزيد حُبه لفن المسرح يوماً تلو الآخر .. تحسه فن underground theatre .. أنا بحب وبقدر فن المَسرح جداً دوناً عن كُل الفنون التانية .. بحب اشجع أهله وناسه والشباب اللّي بيشتغل فيه عنده رسالة يوصلها. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (44) - Friendships.

I am overwhelmed. I promise to reply to everyone who were sincere and kind to wish me a lovely birthday. :)

A quarter of century on planet earth feels like a milestone to question many things in life, and those who remembered me with those nice wishes - and even memories - made that day kinder and more memorable. Lovely how many of the ones who took the time to post on my wall, message me, or even call me, are ones I may no longer be in touch with occasionally as we were used to. Yet they took the time to 'write something,' 'be kind,' and simply 'remember!' :)

I think one of the greatest feelings in the world is when someone openly tells you how much you mean to them, and sharing the most cherished moments with you. Stuff like that are so rare. I still believe in them more than anything. I get disappointed most of the time. But few ones (not precisely close) never failed to revive my faith in humanity. Yes, distance or time does not necessarily kill friendships - rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof! That being said, we have to remember that it was never a matter of distance nor sharing the same family name, but a matter of kind loving hearts and trustful understanding souls, is what make a friendship even closer and sweeter.

The worst part about it is that missing someone as rare as these - and to whom you are recently no longer on speaking terms with - is when something amazing happens to you or you want to share this funny situation or happy news with them and you know it won't be the same when you share it with somebody else. So you hold it in right there until the situation is no longer funny and the happy news seems ordinary.

Well, maybe we can forget people and say we erased them from our lives as much as we want, but the truth is we will never stop cherishing and missing them being around. May these lovely friends remain sincere, thoughtful, loving and kind as they have always been. الحمدُ لله علي نعمة الناس الطيبة اللي حوالينا ومعرفتها بتهون وبتخلي علي الكوكب البائس دة ما يستحق الحياة له. :)

#تخاريف #25_عاماً_مضي_دون_أثر_يُذكَر #الله_غالِب #عن_عُمره_فيما_أفناه دُمتم معروفين بالخير و متجمعين علي خير و في الخير و دوماً بخير. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (43) - The benefit of the doubt.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” - Henry James

I was thinking about a recent nice decision I made. All I can think of is that I changed my mind because I decided to give myself and someone the chance of the "benefit of the doubt." :)

What is "the benefit of the doubt"? It is an interesting saying; simply the act of giving someone the benefit of believing good - rather than the bad - about someone and what they say, and taking their word because you, yourself, have some doubt about what happened.

This concept is important when it comes to our relationships with others. We often forget that this concept is an inseparable part of our Islamic teachings. When speaking to others about a person, or hearing a person discussed by others, we must always seek to give the benefit of the doubt, and not jump to assumptions. Just as you will always have a good excuse and justification when it comes to your own actions and inadequacies, apply the same generosity when it comes to others. In the world of law, people remain innocent until proven guilty. Shouldn't that also be the case with our loved ones? :) We can challenge these thoughts and prove how talented and ingenious we can be in inventing excuses for others - by seeing how well we do it for ourselves.

Every day we see and hear a lot of misinterpretations and assumptions which lead to judgments and gossips but we rarely see confrontations. I wonder why?!! It is easy to jump to making assumptions, but we should be careful and not be hasty in judging a situation or an individual from what seems to be the apparent. Therefore, it is essential that we assume the best of others and give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them to explain themselves to clear any doubts we may have.

One of the great early Muslims scholars, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” Why 70 excuses? This is because the default assumption about all humans and their actions is that they are sound and free of error. This is considered our operating certainty. After this, if we find something that makes us doubt about them, we are not permitted to leave this operating certainty that they did not err for mere doubts or misgivings. The doubts and misgivings about others that are sinful are those that do not have a sound basis that would be sufficient to leave our operating assumption about others that they are upright and their actions free of error.

Powerful things can happen when you give someone the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes we feel we lack either the tools of patience to judge others favorably. As a matter of fact, more often than not we feel there could not possibly be any excuse or justification for a certain behavior.

The real test is whether you are going to trust what someone else says about a person, or your gut feelings and give that person the benefit of the doubt? In a world where it can be easy even for bright people to judge others, we should train ourselves to be patient and generous and avoid hastiness in judging others. And whenever you feel confused or anxious, then pay attention. Because it could be that the anxiety is something that you need to address within yourself in the first place.

So the next time you hear someone talking about a person, or you meet a person, be kind by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Some lessons you learn once, and they last a lifetime. When we are misjudged, that's when we begin to really appreciate the value of judging others favorably. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (42) - Our Hearts.

Our lives are a product of our thoughts, what we think about all day becomes the basis of our lives. I strongly believe in the power of one's soul, heart and conscious. The heart understands the messages the mind cannot decipher. Sometimes, we only need to follow the wisdom of the heart if we wish to find happiness. The mind sees so little on its own, only when works in harmony with the heart, can it see truly what lays ahead. Our minds often overlook the simple answer, thinking that only a complicated solution will solve our problem. But if we simply cannot put our whole hearts into something, we must take ourselves from the situation and find something we can love.

The problem is, it is not as simple as it may sound. Unless we heal the root of a problem and allow our hearts to love, the pain, numbness and anger will not go. Our minds will keep driving us to do things that our hearts do not embrace. We can hide from the problem, but it stays until we dig deep. We cannot be healed while we hold on to pain. Until we face reality as it is, we will forever live in a world of illusion, a world bereft of understanding and meaning. We must turn our backs again and again, on the old thoughts and true problems that hold us back, for to gain true understanding, we must rid ourselves of these problems. Only then may we see the light of progress and our hearts is free to embrace love again. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (41) - عن الأمل.

وكُل ما أقول مفيش أمل و لا راحة في الكوكب دة، تيجي علامة من ربنا تقولي إن الراحة النفسية في إن أفعالنا تتوافق مع فطرتنا .. و إن الأمل في الإيمان و اليقين و حُسن الظن بيه، وإن أنا اللّي روحي ضعيفة هشّة لسة مش عارفة تلم شتاتها ! :)

علي رأي بنت كاتبة، أكتر حاجة مواسيانى شخصياً في اللّي بيحصل دة كُله مع إنه موجع بشكل غريب، إحساسي المُتزايد بأننا بقينا عيلة كبيرة .. عيلة بجد .. اى مصيبة بتصيب حد بتبقى مصاب الكل حتى لو ميعرفوش الحد دة بعينه. .. بتعرف اللّي قريب منك و هوّ مش من دمك بس همّه و قلبه عليك .. و بتعرف اللّي من دمك بس مُش همه و مش فارق معاه لوّ حصل إيه .. 'وَلا تُعْجِبْكَ أَمْوالُهُمْ وَأَوْلادُهُمْ إِنَّما يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ أَنْ يُعَذِّبَهُمْ بِها فِي الدُّنْيا وَتَزْهَقَ أَنْفُسُهُمْ وَهُمْ كافِرُونَ' .. مُش كُل حاجة تِبهرك .. و الكويس بالنسبة ليهُم مش هوّ الكويس بالنسبة لينا .. و الفضفضة و الراحة مبتفعش مع أي حد. :)

أيام فاتتنا و نفسنا نجربها مرة تانية .. الضمير في " أننا " يعود على مين تحديداً؟ لاء ملهاش حد. :) رحم العلم و الانسانية و الحق و مكارم الأخلاق بتساع اى حد يخش فيها .. و تكبر العيلة و تكبر .. و كُل مصيبة تيجى على قد ما بتوجع على قد ما بتقرب العيلة الكبيرة من بعض و تكبرها اكتر .. عيلة اساسها رحم واحد رغم الفروق الشخصية بين أفراد العيلة .. و الفرحة تعُم برحمتة ربنا علينا كُلنا بعد دة كُله .. :)

المُهم .. السواد دة علامة مبشرة  ..سُنة الله لا تتغير  .. يجعل بعد العُسر يسراً .. ربنا اللى بيقول عن نفسه 'يريد الله بكم اليسر.' :) مصدقينه؟ ربنا اللى بيربينا بلطف و حنان و كرم .. ودود بينا كُلنا  .. لنعلم أن وعد الله حق .. نُقطة .. المُهم الواحد يعرف هوّ فين من دة كُله .. بُص علي قلبك .. راجع نفسك .. شوف إنت فين من كُل دة .. شوف إنت فين و مين فيهُم عند ربنا ..و أهم مَرحلة لينا فيّ حَياتك هيّ مَرحلِة الخُروج من المَتاهة .. العالم اللّي جواك نضفه أول بأول .. وخليك فاكر ان نهايتك علي حسب اللّي جوّا قلبك .. فيا بخت اللّي الدنيا في إيده مش في قلبه. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (40) - البيوت أسرار.

البيوت أسرار و مقفولة علي ناسها .. كُل واحد فينا بيبقي شايف التاني مفيش عنده أي مشاكل و بيته مليان سعادة .. مع إن تقريباً لو كُل واحد فينا دخل قلب التاني، هيُشفق عليه .. شايف النُص اللّي عايز يشوفه و مشافش النُص التاني .. و لو شافه و خيرته إنه يبقي مكانه، و الله هيرفض .. لانه ببساطة مش هيعرف يتحمل الـ package كاملة .. محدش فينا مثلاً عمره فكر في الآية "وَلا تُعْجِبْكَ أَمْوالُهُمْ وَأَوْلادُهُمْ إِنَّما يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ أَنْ يُعَذِّبَهُمْ بِها فِي الدُّنْيا وَتَزْهَقَ أَنْفُسُهُمْ وَهُمْ كافِرُونَ' .. يعني المفروض مُش كُل حاجة تِبهرنا .. مُش كُل حاجة يبقي نفسنا فيها .. الله أعلم ربنا موزع نعمه إزاي و فين و لمين و ليه و إمتي .. بس محدش فينا بيُص علي قلبه .. و لا بيراجع نفسه .. لا عارف هوّ فين من كُل دة و لا هوّ فين و مين فيهُم عند ربنا. :)

وعلي الرغم من كدة، ما زالت الناس مبتسيبش بعض في حالها .. و ناس كثير بتشوف السعادة بس في حياة غيرها .. الرضا و القناعة و الحمد في ذاتهُم نعمة مش عند ناس كثير  .. كثير مننا محتاج وقفة مع نفسه لان ربنا عادل و بيدي كُل واحد فينا الحياة و الحاجات اللّي عارف انه محتاجها و اللّي هتسعده .. و هيبتليه بالصعوبات و المشاكل اللّي عارف انه هيتحملها و هيعدي منها و برحمته هيعرف يكمل .. و كله في وقته .. كل شيء عند ربنا سُبحانه و تعالي بقدر .. بس احنا مصممين نتفلسف و نعوز اللّي مش عندنا .. عارفين الصح و مش عارفنين نتبعه .. اه والله .. مصممين منثقش فيه و لا في حكمته ولا في عدله و اسبابه .. مع ان كُل حاجة مكتوبة من قبل ما نتخلق عنده .. و هوّ العليم الرؤوف بحالنا جميعاً .. أنا نفسي كثير بسأل ليه أنا و مش حد تاني .. و ليه دلوقتي .. و ليه مش فاهمة .. و ليه مش مقتنعة .. و ترجع الأيام و السنين تثبتلي ان في حاجات في حياة الواحد غالباً موجودة علشان منفهمهاش .. علشان نتعايش معاها و نرضي بيها و نثق في حكمته و بس .. و ممكن نموت و منعرفش الحكمة من وراها لانك لو عرفت، كنت هتدعي ربنا انك يا ريتك ما كُنت عرفت .. ربنا عدل .. عليم و حكيم و كريم بأحوال خلقه جميعاً .. عفوّ و رحيم و غفور و رؤوف و جبّار بعباده كلهم و بقلوبنا الضعيفة و الهشّة .. بيطبطب عليها في كُل لحظة بطريقته و بيبعتلك الحاجة اللّي عارف انك محتاجها في لحظتها .. ما منع أو أعطي عن أحد منّا إلا لحكمة يعلمها .. و ما زلت بسأل نفسي ليه بعد كل دة برضه روحي بتتفلسف و مش عاجبها و مش عارفة تجمد و تستحمل بعد العمر دة كله؟ و ليه مش عارفة تتغير و تغير مع انها في نفس الموّال من سنين؟

يا رب اهدنا و يسر الهُدي الينا و ارزقنا رؤية الحق و اتباعه .. و ارحم ضعفنا و ارزقنا الفهم و التفهُم و الرضا و القناعة و الحمد و الشُكر و اصرف عنّا شر ما قضيت يا الله ..

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (39) - Appreciation.

'Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.' :) 

الحمدُ لله من قبل و من بعد .. ِAppreciation and gratitude. It's a lesson I learnt the hard way and still suffering its consequences. Regret and pain are alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, regret and pain most of the times doesn't leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :) Sometimes it is too little too late and you must learn from your unfortunate decision. What screws a person up is trying to live up to image they create in their minds. There is no such thing as perfect, only perfect for you.

You may not realize it, but these days may be your happiest days in life and you're too busy dwelling on the imperfections of them to be grateful to Allah for them or to even enjoy them for yourself. Allah reminds us really fast sometimes, when we think things are bad, what "bad" can really look like. Don't wait for your blessings to be taken away from you to thank Allah for them. Life will never be perfect, but this may be as good as it will ever get for you. What you have now was once everything you strove to attain. Appreciate all the things you have in life because you never know when that time will end. Clear the clutter inside your mind and realize what you have right now. Don’t wait until you've lost it to finally see how much you took it for granted. Don’t wait until you realize that without it, your foundation to make it through each day begins to crumble.

Too many times people don’t realize what they have because they are out there looking for something better. The problem is that when they do realize it, they will come crawling back. Everyone falls into the trap that the grass is always greener on the other side. People make mistakes, it’s part of human nature. People constantly want something more, something new, but sometimes the most valuable things are what have been with us at all times. Just because something isn't happening for you right now does not mean that it never will. Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. Just like you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, you don’t know what you've been missing until it arrives. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (38) - Forgiveness.

I read this article about how does a daughter forgive her mother for not protecting her. It is interesting how I could relate to some of its details. It does not have to be the mother we are talking about. It could be anyone including those very close ones you once trusted but failed to be there when you needed them the most. The article gave me hope. Forgiving someone for not being there is hard. I never knew how and when I could move on and forgive others and myself until I decided days ago to do so. I'd be lying if I said I moved on, but at least I am trying. As they always say: “Believe you can and you are half way there.” :)

How can I be angry with those close ones? A question I failed to answer precisely. They argue that they did not do me any harm. I must admit, They are right, but still they were not there either. They were the circle of trust. They were supposed to love, embrace and protect me back then. Maybe inaction doesn't have to be motivated by malice, but sometimes by someone's own paralyzing fear -- their survival instinct. The more I am angry with people, the more I realize I have a lot to change about myself.

When I shared my upset with a close friend, she said, “I hope you can forgive them one day,” as if forgiveness was an imperative, a measure of my inner goodness. But as I struggled with unbracing anxiety and sometimes depression, I wondered, what did it mean to forgive? Who was forgiveness for? :) I thought for years but I could not put my hands on the root of it. It is hard. As the years passed, I simply learnt to take everyone individually, as a different story. Unique yet familiar combination of experiences and circumstances. Forgiving those close ones doesn't mean I don't feel upset that they failed me. I am and will forever will. It just means I have put down the impossible task of trying to make them go back to the past to save me. It means forgiving myself before anyone else. :) 

For me, forgiveness means finding compassion for the little girl I was back then, the one who grew up struggling to figure out her destiny. Forgiveness means separating myself from the unhealthy parts of those close ones that took root inside me, including the fear I, for a long time, let drive my own adult decisions. By not forgiving them, I believe I will remain forever a child; blocking my own chance to grow up and continuing to see myself as a victim. Even worse, I keep my negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive while they continue to live their lives normally. Forgiveness means bearing witness to the moments I saw those close ones turn away, how it felt to be utterly helpless, and how, as the years progressed, I, too, began to turn away, exactly like them, to focus my gaze out the side window, to emotionally leave my life.

Forgiveness was a decision to stop suffering, to put down a burden that didn't serve me. When I faced and accepted the truth of the past, only then could I see that I had survived the horror. Only then could I feel my uncensored anger and disappointment and sorrow, and the close ones denial and anger-- along with their love, and their regret. Only then did I see the whole picture. Only then could I reclaim my power and look to the road ahead.

It really is true: “Freedom is what we do with what’s been done to us.” It is not the circumstances of our lives that matter. It is what we choose to do with them. Yes, some journeys take you farther from where you come from, but closer to where you belong.

*Note: I finished writing while listening to my very favorite song 'Let It Go.'.. I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve! :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (37) - Those incidents.

Those incidents engraved in our hearts and souls so deeply and still hurdle you from moving on. And you keep playing and replaying them in your memory everyday and every night. Going back means you will have to face your past. Haven't you been running from it for so long?! The truth is, you have but your mind refuse to get over them. Your heart refuse to forget and forgive. We say goodbyes before we even say hellos. It is painful how people can give up on each other, no matter how close they are. How some of them easily leave. How some others moved on but you didn't. How you can't differentiate between being kind and being weak!

I wish few people just know that although I sound strong, I am yet too fragile from the inside. :) I am human as everyone else. I live on the same crappy planet that is full of too much illogical nonsense. I have my vulnerabilities. I have my good days and bad days. I am a perfectionist. I am not good at embracing the fact that humans normally make mistakes and its okay. I accept all people as they are, except for myself. I am a typical introvert. I wish close ones stop setting expectations. I wish they love me for who I am, not the one who they think I should be. I know that many others have the same thoughts yet they do not have the courage to face them. That doesn't mean I don't have a dream. I have one and I literally think of it every day. I see it in front of me. I know I am not taking the 'out of the comfort zone' steps to come a step closer to achieve it. Its normal I guess. I don't have the enough courage to let go many things. :)

Sometimes pain numbs you like cold in the dark. A darkness that you never wish to return to. The darkness of being alone and the prison of failing others’ expectations. And you know, despite saying otherwise, nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same. It feels like you are breathing a different kind of oxygen than everyone else. You speak a different language than your friends and family. You turned a different color, rusting and fading away. No one understands you, and you understand no one. You may as well have been the only person on this earth. Pain is alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, pain most of the times doesn’t leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :)

I once read “People often turn to the skies in search of some sign, some comfort, some explosion of reason to help them understand the tragedies of life, saying “please help me understand, help me relieve this pain.” And when their requests are not immediately answered, they return to the quietude of themselves, disappointed and broken. As a response to this, I’ve often heard people say ‘if you wonder where Allah is when you’re going through pain, know that the teacher is always silent during the test.’ But the truth is that Allah has never been silent. He is not like the teacher who refuses to speak while the students are writing a stressful test. His words to us are recorded in a book. The soothing of our pain is recorded in a book. We can read what He sent for us in those pages at any point in time we wish. It is not He who is silent – it is we who refuse to listen.” :)

Why didn't we listen when Allah described Himself as الجبّار? Why didn’t we listen when Allah described himself as الكَريم، الرحيم and ّالعفو? He is the healer of all wounds. He the forgiver of all sins. He understands that sometimes we feel as though we are quite literally lost and broken into pieces, troubled by the rattling sounds of those loose parts within us as we walk forward in this existence. He is the only one who can forgive what you did, restore what was once broken within our hearts, transforming them into something whole and sound again. If only we would read, we would know that He can help us see that we are still breathing the same air and speaking the same language we once did. He can help us scrub the rust off of ourselves and see the true color of our faith again. He can help us understand that we are not actually alone, because we have Him.

There are two reasons why people don't talk much to others about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything. I am writing this as a note to myself, maybe one day I will come back and read it and silently smile. :) I was told before that when pain overtakes me, I should reach inside. Gather the broken pieces, and hand them to Allah. Ask Him to remake my heart yet different, this time. Stronger and even more beautiful. This is how we are made, and remade by the Maker. Maybe sometimes the gifts of Allah aren’t wrapped as we expect. يا رب اجبر بخاطر قلوبنا و ارحم ضعفنا و أعفوا عنّا .. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (36) - The Power of Writing.

We all have methods of coping with what we don't understand, of dealing with painful situations in our lives. The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be. Personally, when I don’t know what to do and feeling pained, putting words on paper feels tangible. It’s black and white in an otherwise grey time. When we don’t feel like talking, writing lets us speak in a solitary way. The blog post or page or paper is a never-ending space for depositing our concerns and fears and hopes. Writing has helped me to organize my thoughts, understand my feelings and process not only the failed moments but also to recover from grief and loss. 

You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you are. There is nothing that keeps me sane as words. ‘I have hated words, and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.’ There is a lot of power in the written word but occasionally words are hard to find. :)

We live in a world where words and writing are in abundance, yet sincerely is in rations. The ways words are said and written reveal the condition of the heart and the status of the circumstance. When used correctly, words have the power to change the world. Words are attached to the soul; they are a member of us. The word goes from the page and infuses into our inmost being. As Emily Dickinson writes, ‘I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.’

As Julia Schemmer writes, ‘Words have lifted me up and brought me down. Words have inspired me rationally when no one did. Words have comforted me for the hope of a better tomorrow. Words do not finish for compliments or gratitude. They are content in doing their job without recognition from others.’ I am thankful for the words that were never said and the silent lonesome moments fulfilling the need for speech. I am thankful for the words of praise and the words of insults, as they have fostered a sense of resiliency and determination within me. :)

A few years ago I began thinking of my life as stories. Not my entire life, but at least the parts that I believed had significant impact on who I am, both the negative and the positive.  I came to realize that perhaps had the core of what could become a helpful and guiding story for others. While writing with others in mind, I began to experience a mix of emotions and a sense of peace. Soon I realize that as I wrote, I come away feeling a sense of healing and inner satisfaction.

I barely write, because it takes courage, intention, vocabulary, creativity and time, and I probably lack all of them. I am a beginner, yet I tend to write and take brief notes of  what I think and how I feel everyday. I always tend to keep a journal or alternatively write in my blog. While it held my secrets, it by time held my heart. Reading back through my journals and posts has helped me reflect on where I used to be and where I am now in my life. It’s a method of allowing the light of understanding and compassion to shine on my past.  In the process of writing each journal and post, I have come to realize how much writing helps and how powerful words could be. Writing is the first step toward facing those parts of ourselves we'd rather leave buried. It never fails to relieve my heart from pain and my mind from overthinking. It gives me a closure and also a new beginning. 

My thoughts most of the time are personal and shallow, but I still write anyways. I have recently decided to share some of these stories because sharing our stories is the next step because it connects us. It reminds each and every one of us that we are not alone. In revealing our own truth, we give others the courage to reveal theirs. We all have a story to tell, and that story you share may reach and help someone else. :)