I came across a recent quote when watching a Disney movie: 'I
tried to fit in. I really do. I just can't. Sometimes I feel like I really don't
belong here,' and suddenly it feels like old years back again. Whatever I try to put into words, I am bad at describing how it feels like, so I thought to share bits of an old article on Huffington Post, and which is one of the closest to my heart.
I’ve always felt different, like I was born in the wrong time
period, or maybe even on the wrong planet. I just don’t “fit” anywhere or with
anyone. You’d likely never realize this if you spent any amount of time with
me, but it’s true.
When I was younger, I got good at pretending to fit in. Talking
about things I didn’t care about, doing things I didn’t necessarily enjoy, and
making myself appear “normal” when I’m so clearly anything but. As I got older,
I learned to embrace more of what made me unique and different, and learned how
to be more of myself and exist in a space of truth and authenticity alongside
everyone else.
Yet, despite all the work I’ve done, there are still moments
where the feeling of not belonging anywhere or with anyone is all consuming. It
happens randomly, usually when I’m in a group of people, whether friends or
family, who are having a good time. There will be a conversation and laughter,
and I may even be enjoying myself... until all of a sudden I’m not, because I’m
acutely aware of the truth: I don’t fit here.
Sometimes it’s that I don’t really care about the topic at hand.
Sometimes it’s that I don’t really fit with the people around me.
Sometimes it’s that I feel like the oddball of the group.
Mostly, though, it’s that I realize I’m not living a life in
full alignment with my truth. Because, if I was, I would be somewhere else,
having a different conversation, with a different set of people, and showing up
more fully and completely as me.
I’ve done a lot of work over the years to align my life,
relationships, and work with my truth, passions and purpose. I’ve made major
shifts, had hard conversations, and have pushed myself in ways that stretched
me to tears. I’ve aligned, shed, grown, shifted, created, released, healed and
cultivated. I’ve done a lot of work.
So when these moments happen, despite the fact that I
momentarily stop breathing and the world feels suffocating, isolating, and
overwhelmingly foreign... I feel gratitude. Gratitude for the never ending
nudges that bring me closer to my truth and my whole self. Nudges that say, hey
love, this isn’t right for you. This isn’t where you belong. This isn’t really
who you are. Nudges that prompt me to make changes so that, albeit slowly but
surely, I start to show up more fully and completely in my life.
What to do when you don’t fit in:
1) Be kind to yourself.
You’re not alone in this feeling, regardless of how intense,
frequent, or unique to you it may feel. I remember attending a conference last
spring where the speaker asked the audience, “who here feels like they don’t
fit in?” Over half the audience raised their hands. You’re not the only one who
feels like you don’t belong, there are tons of us. So first and foremost, be
kind to yourself. Because even if you’re the one person in the world who
really, truly, absolutely has no place, you’re still going to be stuck with
you. Love and accept yourself fully, even when it feels like no one else could
possibly.
2) Stop trying and, instead, notice what makes you different.
One of the most common mistakes we make when we feel like we
don’t belong is to try and fit in. If you feel like you don’t belong, there’s a
very good chance you don’t, and this isn’t a bad thing! Pay attention to what
specifically triggered that feeling for you. Is it that you don’t care about
the things others do? Is it that you’re spending time with people who are your
opposite? Is it that you don’t enjoy the activity at hand? Not fitting in
doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you or the people around you, it just means
you’re different. Use this as an opportunity to explore what would need to
change for you to feel like you fit. This isn’t about changing yourself or
forcing yourself to be anything you’re not, it’s about taking an honest look at
the situation.
Maybe you need a new set of friends or to spend less time with
your family. Maybe you’re not dating the right person. Maybe you’d rather be at
a cultural event than out drinking. Whatever it is, just make note of it and
create better alignment in your life, work, and relationships going forward.
3) Embrace the truth of who you are.
Here’s a truth I’ve learned that’s changed my world: I don’t fit
in and I’m not supposed to. I’m not here to fit in, and that’s okay. I’m here
to be my unique and amazing self, and you are, too. Whatever makes you
different, that’s exactly who you’re here to be, not someone that “fits” with
everyone else. You may not be the person who stays out late with friends,
instead you may be at home studying something that lights you up. You may not
be the person who can bond over sports or celebrity gossip. Instead you may be
the person discussing politics and protesting for what you believe in. Embrace
it! That’s who you’re here to be and it’s perfect, beautiful, and needed in
this world. The sooner you embrace the truth of who you are, the sooner you’ll
find where you fit and start feeling more joyful and fulfilled by your life and
relationships.
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