تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (37) - Those incidents.

Those incidents engraved in our hearts and souls so deeply and still hurdle you from moving on. And you keep playing and replaying them in your memory everyday and every night. Going back means you will have to face your past. Haven't you been running from it for so long?! The truth is, you have but your mind refuse to get over them. Your heart refuse to forget and forgive. We say goodbyes before we even say hellos. It is painful how people can give up on each other, no matter how close they are. How some of them easily leave. How some others moved on but you didn't. How you can't differentiate between being kind and being weak!

I wish few people just know that although I sound strong, I am yet too fragile from the inside. :) I am human as everyone else. I live on the same crappy planet that is full of too much illogical nonsense. I have my vulnerabilities. I have my good days and bad days. I am a perfectionist. I am not good at embracing the fact that humans normally make mistakes and its okay. I accept all people as they are, except for myself. I am a typical introvert. I wish close ones stop setting expectations. I wish they love me for who I am, not the one who they think I should be. I know that many others have the same thoughts yet they do not have the courage to face them. That doesn't mean I don't have a dream. I have one and I literally think of it every day. I see it in front of me. I know I am not taking the 'out of the comfort zone' steps to come a step closer to achieve it. Its normal I guess. I don't have the enough courage to let go many things. :)

Sometimes pain numbs you like cold in the dark. A darkness that you never wish to return to. The darkness of being alone and the prison of failing others’ expectations. And you know, despite saying otherwise, nothing is the same and nothing will ever be the same. It feels like you are breathing a different kind of oxygen than everyone else. You speak a different language than your friends and family. You turned a different color, rusting and fading away. No one understands you, and you understand no one. You may as well have been the only person on this earth. Pain is alienating. Contrary to what most people believe, pain most of the times doesn’t leave. It stays here. And like it or not, you just get used to living with it. :)

I once read “People often turn to the skies in search of some sign, some comfort, some explosion of reason to help them understand the tragedies of life, saying “please help me understand, help me relieve this pain.” And when their requests are not immediately answered, they return to the quietude of themselves, disappointed and broken. As a response to this, I’ve often heard people say ‘if you wonder where Allah is when you’re going through pain, know that the teacher is always silent during the test.’ But the truth is that Allah has never been silent. He is not like the teacher who refuses to speak while the students are writing a stressful test. His words to us are recorded in a book. The soothing of our pain is recorded in a book. We can read what He sent for us in those pages at any point in time we wish. It is not He who is silent – it is we who refuse to listen.” :)

Why didn't we listen when Allah described Himself as الجبّار? Why didn’t we listen when Allah described himself as الكَريم، الرحيم and ّالعفو? He is the healer of all wounds. He the forgiver of all sins. He understands that sometimes we feel as though we are quite literally lost and broken into pieces, troubled by the rattling sounds of those loose parts within us as we walk forward in this existence. He is the only one who can forgive what you did, restore what was once broken within our hearts, transforming them into something whole and sound again. If only we would read, we would know that He can help us see that we are still breathing the same air and speaking the same language we once did. He can help us scrub the rust off of ourselves and see the true color of our faith again. He can help us understand that we are not actually alone, because we have Him.

There are two reasons why people don't talk much to others about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything. I am writing this as a note to myself, maybe one day I will come back and read it and silently smile. :) I was told before that when pain overtakes me, I should reach inside. Gather the broken pieces, and hand them to Allah. Ask Him to remake my heart yet different, this time. Stronger and even more beautiful. This is how we are made, and remade by the Maker. Maybe sometimes the gifts of Allah aren’t wrapped as we expect. يا رب اجبر بخاطر قلوبنا و ارحم ضعفنا و أعفوا عنّا .. :)

Photo credit: Layla Mosleh

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (36) - The Power of Writing.

We all have methods of coping with what we don't understand, of dealing with painful situations in our lives. The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be. Personally, when I don’t know what to do and feeling pained, putting words on paper feels tangible. It’s black and white in an otherwise grey time. When we don’t feel like talking, writing lets us speak in a solitary way. The blog post or page or paper is a never-ending space for depositing our concerns and fears and hopes. Writing has helped me to organize my thoughts, understand my feelings and process not only the failed moments but also to recover from grief and loss. 

You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you are. There is nothing that keeps me sane as words. ‘I have hated words, and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.’ There is a lot of power in the written word but occasionally words are hard to find. :)

We live in a world where words and writing are in abundance, yet sincerely is in rations. The ways words are said and written reveal the condition of the heart and the status of the circumstance. When used correctly, words have the power to change the world. Words are attached to the soul; they are a member of us. The word goes from the page and infuses into our inmost being. As Emily Dickinson writes, ‘I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.’

As Julia Schemmer writes, ‘Words have lifted me up and brought me down. Words have inspired me rationally when no one did. Words have comforted me for the hope of a better tomorrow. Words do not finish for compliments or gratitude. They are content in doing their job without recognition from others.’ I am thankful for the words that were never said and the silent lonesome moments fulfilling the need for speech. I am thankful for the words of praise and the words of insults, as they have fostered a sense of resiliency and determination within me. :)

A few years ago I began thinking of my life as stories. Not my entire life, but at least the parts that I believed had significant impact on who I am, both the negative and the positive.  I came to realize that perhaps had the core of what could become a helpful and guiding story for others. While writing with others in mind, I began to experience a mix of emotions and a sense of peace. Soon I realize that as I wrote, I come away feeling a sense of healing and inner satisfaction.

I barely write, because it takes courage, intention, vocabulary, creativity and time, and I probably lack all of them. I am a beginner, yet I tend to write and take brief notes of  what I think and how I feel everyday. I always tend to keep a journal or alternatively write in my blog. While it held my secrets, it by time held my heart. Reading back through my journals and posts has helped me reflect on where I used to be and where I am now in my life. It’s a method of allowing the light of understanding and compassion to shine on my past.  In the process of writing each journal and post, I have come to realize how much writing helps and how powerful words could be. Writing is the first step toward facing those parts of ourselves we'd rather leave buried. It never fails to relieve my heart from pain and my mind from overthinking. It gives me a closure and also a new beginning. 

My thoughts most of the time are personal and shallow, but I still write anyways. I have recently decided to share some of these stories because sharing our stories is the next step because it connects us. It reminds each and every one of us that we are not alone. In revealing our own truth, we give others the courage to reveal theirs. We all have a story to tell, and that story you share may reach and help someone else. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (35) - Not Good Enough!

Fifteen years ago, I was a just a kid celebrating the beginning of a new millennium. While I am getting older, I still did not move on. I did not get over the memories and experiences engraved within. I am still trying. I am still going through the same ups and downs. I am still stuck in a grey area between who I am, who I wanted to be and how the society wants me to be. I am never good enough. I am two years older but yet three more steps behind. And the older I grow, the wider my choices become, the freer I am and the portrait of how hazy and grayish my life is finds its way to the shed of light.

Sometimes I am downright rude to myself. I make fall short of my own expectations and instead of treating it as a learning opportunity, I beat myself up about it and end up with bad weeks of self-doubt. The pressure coming from the atmosphere, peers and family is enough to completely make us broken inside. If you don't have the right job, marry at the right age, have the right lifestyle, behave in the right way and so forth, we assume we are just not good enough nor accepted. Did I forget the purpose of living? Did I lose track of these little things that makes me genuinely happy? Why is it never 'good enough'? It always feels incomplete, unfinished and never quite good enough.

It is so frustrating when regardless of how much you do, or how hard you try, it is never good enough. It is even worse when you keep telling yourself that you are not good enough. Because that is what I did. I think I sell myself short sometimes. I am afraid to ask for what I want, because a part of me is afraid that I don't deserve it. Even after fifteen years, I was still not good enough. Even on good days, I felt like no matter how many special efforts I made, there was so much more I could have done. No matter how much I went an extra mile on a day, I could have done more or I could have kept up with it better in the first place. I could not allow myself to feel happy over taking my sister out for dinner, because I could have brought her something as a gesture. I could not feel like an adequate daughter or friend or sister. because I always could have done better.

I often feel doomed from the start telling myself 'What is the point of trying?' People I know told me over and over that I was enough. I wanted to believe them and they were just trying to be nice. Even my parents; they loved me. They still love me. But they let perfectionism undermine their guidance. I believed the lie that it always says it is never good enough and it could always be better. The lie that says that if we just worked harder, sacrificed more and stretchered ourselves a little slimmer, nothing would ever go wrong!

Honestly, this is not how life works. The resistance to 'what is' is what cause our suffering. Every day brings a choice. Choose to be miserable and you will find plenty to reasons. Happiness is allowing myself to be perfectly okay with 'what is,' rather than wishing for and worrying about 'what is not.'

So, what about now? I have started to realize that life is made up of the little moments. I am trying to stop trying to be perfect and embrace be who I am. It is taking longer and much more effort for some areas in my life. I still have a hard time ever feeling good about myself, what I believe in and what I do. Believing in myself, skills and talents is a journey, which has been deliberately delayed, but is worth it. The good days when I accomplish what I have on my to-do list and even the bad days when I am only physically capable of 'the bare minimum,' it all adds up to a life that is simply 'good enough.' It may be easier written than felt, but at least I do my best to acknowledge it. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (34) - الله لا ينسانا (1). :)

و هييجي اليوم اللّي هتلاقي فيه نفسك اتمسحت من علي الخريطة .. متزعلش .. متتوجعش .. متتكسرش .. متفكرش في الموضوع .. ما هو انت اللي اخترت الطريق اللي وداك هناك. :)

أيوة، حتي صحابك و أهلك هينسوك في يوم من الأيام .. الدروب هتختلف رويداً رويداً .. قد تختلف الدروب و تبتعد عنهم بشكل تصعُب عليه بقاء العلاقات كما كانت عليه في سابق عهدها .. مُمكن جداً متشوفهمش تاني .. و أيوة هيجي يوم و هنقابل الخالق و هتُحاسب علي سعيك في دربك انت لوحدك خلال رحلتك القصيرة في الدُنيا .. قوّي علاقتك مع اللّي عُمره ما نسيك مهما نسيته .. اللّي مهما اختلفت الظروف و الناس، هوّ لسة موجود .. الشئ الوحيد المُسلم به الثابت في دُنيانا الفانية .. اللّه سُبحانه و تعالي .. ادعي و احكي و اشتكي له حتي لو بقلبك .. ربنا سُبحانه و تعالي هوّ الوحيد اللّي مُش هيمل من دعائنا و طلباتنا و اسئلتنا و حكاوينا و شكاوينا و مناجتنا لحد ما إحنا نمل .. فاكرنا و مش بينسانا مهما نسيناه .. ودود كريم رحيم عفوّ بجد. :)

تَخاريف نُص مِيتر عَقلُه طَار (33) - First impressions.

We hear it all the time. "You never get a second chance to make a good first impression." In a split second, it is said that our brains judges whether someone is a friend or an enemy, loyal, attractive or neither. But can first impressions ever be correct and accurate? Can others read us even if we do not want them to? And what about the way we see others - what does the image we get of them say about us?

There are plenty of books that promise to decode people's body language and personality, but I feel that they aren't really worth reading. The brain judgment is almost instant. We need a few milliseconds. However, first impressions are not perfect. Making a quick decision about someone can have consequences. If the first impression was a mistake, it can take a while to realize this. That's why it is important, when making these judgments, that we do not allow assumptions to take over. It easy to judge people on what you know. We apply our emotions to our perceptions.

Personally, I don't believe in first impressions. While they are important, but it is not just the first impressions that count. It is the number of impressions that count. I believe in first impressions and second impressions and third impressions and fourth impressions. Every one of us is human. Everyone makes mistakes. Every one of us might spill their coffee on their pants going to an interview, or oversleep or not get enough sleep or have a bad day or be in a bad mood, or forget a date and time or lose their cell phone or forget to call or feel sick or just be grouchy. Islam taught me we should give our brothers and sisters over 70 excuses before you can blame them. Maybe we should learn bringing this concept in real life and stop judging each other. Ask yourself, how would you like to be treated if your roles were reversed? :)